My Weaknesses.

I am an awkward person,
I hate confrontation,
I won't ask for much,
I hate being forced to be someone or something I'm not,
I overthink things too much,
I can't look you in the eye,
I stress too much,
I hate being shut down,
I care too much about what other people think,
I am not sure about a lot of things,
If you doubt me I will doubt myself,
I am confused about how I feel and probably always will be,
I judge myself too much,
I am told that I am too nice,
I care too much about people that don't care about me,
I am a shy person although I try not to be,
I need reassuring a lot,
I take everything to heart,
I have a slightly overactive guilt complex,
I fear a lot of things,
I live in the land of 'what if,'

Come back..Please.

I remember when he took his first steps.
He walked away from me.
And he's been walking away ever since.

Quote from Trials and Tribulations.

There was somewhere else I had to be.

I wish to create words with time, letters in spider webs like flies caught in my minds silky strands. My mind begins to disintegrate, words dancing on my eyelids as I close them, until all I can hear is the music in my ears, each beat resonating around my chaotic mind. Notebooks aching to be filled and cluttered, my thoughts thinking, waiting to be unloaded onto pages, but I am too tired, my fingers can not grip the pen, my only weapon.

I seem to fear commitment, my feelings dancing radically from one idea to another while my heart struggles to catch them, I long for clarity, the satisfaction of knowing that I know, you bring with you more confusion and I just add that to the list.
My body loses feeling, a nightmare becoming reality for a moment before being jolted back, eyes closing then opening frantically, mind overcome by something, a feeling that does not have a name, a general sensation like falling.

The darkness infiltrates my mind, back aching, I pass the need for sleep, my fingers tapping at the keys, like a pianist and I think of tomorrow. Anxiousness overcomes me, my stomach jumping, someone opens a cage of butterflies there. I agonise over that moment, never letting go or moving on, repeating in time, over, and over, and over again.

11.11

- I feel like Pete Murray in his song 'I've seen better days.'
Cause he says 'I felt like running so far away, but knew I had to stay'.
I feel like running away from my own problems.


Written by me, on the second of September 2006, age 12.

Would you know, if I asked you?

Your words creep into my mind like a predator's prey.
And with my minds eye I stalk them,
Waiting for the right moment.
But when is the right moment?
And how can we ever know?
And so I retreat, claws retracting and skulk to the far corners of my mind.
It is quiet here.


Picture found: here