Paint the town.

Tonight I fell in love with a boy who let me buy my drink before he did.
Tonight I saw him them waved and told myself that I'd get his name or number before I left.

Tonight a boy hugged me.
'Who are you?' I slurred.
'I love you.' he said.
'That's really nice,' I replied. 'Give me a hug.'
So we hugged again then left.

Tonight I danced with a bearded boy as he spun me around and sung Adele badly.
'What do I do!?' I asked her.
I can't remember what she said but I didn't kiss him.

I kept looking for the boy I fell in love with all night but didn't see him again.

'Who was the guy you were dancing with?' he asked.
'The boy with the beard? I don't know!' I laughed.
'Did you kiss him?'
'No.' I laughed again.

'I hate you.' she said when we had to leave. 'You're not my friend anymore.'
'No you don't.' I said as we left.

(Not even sure what this is. I wrote it a few days ago at 3 a.m. after I had been out for the night haha)

Please give up on me.

I just want you to know that it wasn't for you. Since then it never has been. And I'm trying so hard to keep history from repeating itself, but even now I can see that it's happening. Is it so impossible for us to just be friends? I can't be friends with you without hurting you, and that hurts me.

I am not going to let this happen again.

Perry.

It was my mother who decided on naming me Perdita. My father tried to talk her out of it, Jessica sounds nice dear, or how about Emily? But she just smiled at me and shook her head.
And so I became Perdita, but I preferred Perry. My father held onto the notion that once I was old enough I could change my name to whatever I liked. He told me so late one afternoon in May. Now Perry, he said taking both of my hands into his, You know that one day, when you are older and wiser and have seen more of the world, if you still don’t like your name, you can change it to whatever you like. I stared at his wrinkled, calloused hands, covered with an array of scars, going this way and that, they were a map of his life. Really? I asked him, and I looked up as he smiled down at me. Do you promise? I said to him with my chin raised, determination moulding my face into a pair of crinkled eyes and a firm mouth, just daring him to say no.
But he promised. And ever since then I’ve tried to figure out who I could be.


(This is something new. I've been having trouble writing lately, but I am attempting to change that and this is the result.)

I said I wouldn't write about you but then I saw what she wrote and my heart just dropped and my shoulders sagged. What I want more than anything is just to talk to you again, to get to know you better, and for you to see that it's not her, it's me okay? I want to scream it to you at the top of my lungs IT'S ME IT'S ME IT'S ME so that it sticks in your head and so you don't forget. I haven't let my hope get this high in so long and what she wrote just brought them crashing down on top of my head. Now everytime I read it my eyes fog up and I hate her I hate her I hate her all over again.

This isn't very poetic or even well written, but it's emotional and that's all that matters.

I am no longer absent. The words are slowly returning to where they should be and so am I.
My exams finished today, and a typewriter arrived in the mail. My formal is on Friday and I am 18 in two weeks. Everything seems to be falling into place.
I am tired, but content. Things are going to be stressful over the next few days as I also have a few parties and things that need to be done, but hopefully I will cope and everything will turn out fine.
Hopefully I can post more soon.

Look what arrived in the post yesterday :)

P.s. I'm sorry to the people who's comments I haven't replied to yet. I am studying and absentminded at the moment.

Adjusting.

I haven't posted anything in what seems like forever and I haven't written anything in that long either. I don't know why the words have stopped coming, I can only guess that it's because of the pressure of the coming exams. The last thing that I wrote was a letter to her explaining things. It worked. She replied and things are better now.
I haven't seen any of my friends in days. Seen as in spent time with for longer than twenty minutes. I picked up a friend from the bus station today and we talked, but it's a strange feeling being cut off from everyone. I saw another last night when he gave me some religion notes, a cute letter (which I discovered later) and a kiss on the cheek. I miss our chats.
People always said to appreciate the last days of school, I didn't and only now I'm just starting to realise that I won't get to see certain people everyday, or catch up with people at lunch or annoy teachers with our endless chatting. This is supposed to be the best time of my life, but if that's the case, I don't get all the hype. Why wouldn't the rest of my life be better than this?

Just understand okay?

You have to understand that I don't do things like this often. Usually I just sit back and quietly get upset over things that I won't change. But not this time okay? Please understand that I won't do that this time. I'm not an entirely selfish person, and I'm sorry if this hurts you by me making this decision. But I'm losing you anyway. Ever since you had him I've felt like you didn't need me anymore. Yes, maybe I've pulled away, but you've forgotten about me. You may not realise but you do that often.

New followers

To the dear people that have recently started following my blog, it saddens me that it won't let me see who you are so I can't view your blogs or follow you back :(
If you could drop me a comment I'd be very grateful :)

Close Call.

She’s at a party and she’s drunk.
Can in one hand, beer in the other.
‘The innocent one.’
Never kissed a boy before.
She’s dancing
Laughing
Singing to her friend in a cubby house
All the while
Oblivious
To how close she came.
He’s wearing a dress
(It was a themed party)
He’s kissing her
Borrows his friends keys
‘I got a girl; can I have your car?’
They go out the front
She doesn’t know what he’s thinking
‘We’re only going to kiss’
She tells her friend
The friend tells her not to go with him
She says no
A boy comes up and abuses the boy in the dress
‘He’s a creep!’
He tells the innocent girl
She doesn’t listen
Two girls come and yell at the boy in the dress
‘You stay away from her!’
‘Get off the road’
Someone says.
She is picked up and moved off the road
‘No, we’re only going to kiss.’
‘Do you seriously think that’s all he wants?’
‘I’m strong enough to fight him off’
‘No you can’t, look at the size of him
And look at the size of you.’
‘No!’
‘Listen to me!’
‘But I can’t just leave now, I’ll look stupid!’
‘Grab my hand, I’ll drag you and you can pretend to resist’
She is dragged away by her friend
‘No, stop it!
I’ll be back soon’
She tells the boy in the dress.
‘No you fucking will not’
The other nice boy tells her.
They go back to the party.
A girl walks up to the boy in the dress
‘I’m watching you’
She says.
The innocent one still doesn’t know
How close she came
To the things we hear about
And think
‘It will never happen to us.’

I have changed to using a comment box. I have been unable to comment on some of my favourite blogs and fear that others might have had the same problem with mine.
xx

Enough.

I don't know I don't know I don't know
All I've been doing is saying the same things and nothing changes, nothing ever changes.
I don't feel any different.
I drove away from her
I just keep telling my self that she deserves it she deserves it she deserves it
and she does because she never changes
I told her that she takes me for granted and that one day I won't be here for you and you'll be sorry
I don't know why I said that I was just angry
but I meant that one day she won't be able to take me for granted anymore
and I want that one day to be today
because she just doesn't appreciate me

and I yelled and yelled

and the whole time she just kept saying thankyou thankyou thankyou

and patronising me

and I could tell that she didn't give a shit

then after I left her and drove away I got scared and I just keep seeing things out of the corner of my eyes and I don't know if that's okay so I just turned the music up and wiped away the tears
stayed angry for a while

then I got home and it all started

and now I feel bad even though it's her fault

I always do

and now I'm just listening to the same song over and over
and trying to forget the things that hurt me and keep me up at night
and I'm just hoping that she won't do something that will make me hate myself
even though I tried

No one's really listening.

Loveless.

Listen.

when your time has come and gone
when your final race is won
when the flowers kiss the trees
when the king is on his knees

when your eyes don't speak the truth
and denial is your muse
when your life follows a plan,
your convenience is banned

you're loveless, it's okay you,ve planned it well
you will be happy to know that I've moved on as well

when a lion has it's teeth,
and the sword rest in it's sheath
when the liar plays the fool and the fool makes every rule

you're loveless, it's okay you're planned it well
you will be happy to know that I've moved on as well
you're loveless, it's okay you've planned it well
it's seemless, i already know you well

when you're alone with every one,
know a place to call the sun
there's a feeling in your bones,
you just might end up alone

when you're just so self assured,
now you're rotting at the core
when you're challenged by the truth,
find some friends who lie to you

you're loveless, it's okay you've planned it well
it's seemless, I already know you well.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oCZhYf9hPCE&feature=related
(I couldn't post the video, but I love the song.)

It's always there.

She watches movies that melt away the glue to expose the cracks that were always there. Even when she was with him and then him, it was there, she felt it mostly at first, then supressed it, hid it away. She forgot for a while, as she realised that it wasn't what she wanted. But it came back. It always comes back. She can try to forget but she won't. She tried to write about it but that didn't make it go away either, because it's always there. And it won't go away just yet because she has to see it to believe that it can. And that's a paradox in itself, because to see it, she has to believe it. And she doesn't think that she can do that. Maybe it will never happen. Maybe she will always have this crushing feeling, that hits her all of a sudden and makes her remember.

She'd trying to figure it out but she doesn't know it yet.
She feels lonely but she doesn't feel alone yet.

Her tiny sun.

The dust fell
Like snowflakes
Caught in the rays
Of the tiny sun
Beside her bed
She could turn
The tiny sun
On and off
With a button
She stared at
Her sun until
Her eyes burned
White and she
Couldn’t see anything
Anymore but the
Sun until finally
As if she
Had pushed the
Button to turn
The sun off
The light in
Her eyes went
Out and the
Sun didn’t shine
Anymore.

27.7.11

I don't know what to write

I've used up all my words
writing notes while my mind
floats somewhere else
(I must try to stop it doing that)
I haven't cried today
it tried to take me over
but I fought it away
no breakdown # 10 tonight (I've lost count)
It's getting easier to be
overcome by the bad things
in each day
'How was your day?'
'Alright I guess'
'Only alright?'
'Yeah'
Luckily she's there
to take the bad things away
it's what a mum does best after all
and I love her more for being there
everyday
'I don't want you to ever feel like you
can't talk to me about something'
Don't worry, I need you to make me
happy when I am sad
The stress gets too much sometimes
I don't know what I'd do
if she wasn't there to
take it away

When I told you that I had more than the one blog, and you told me I should delete the others
I stopped liking you just a little bit.

The fall.

Falling Through Air
by Margery Snyder

Events are irrevocable
Some thoughts, once thought
Cannot be undone, once
Encoded in synaptic pathways
Come to the same end
However often re-enacted.

Gravity and time move
In one direction
As those people fell but once
Through awe and smoke
But are ever dead
No matter how often
The moment of their fall
Plays through my nerves...

So I fall through air
Between these scented trees
My feet dangling to gravity
As did theirs, but once,
This time, however often
I run down this hill.

Even the littlest moments
Are irrevocable, words said,
Once said, cannot be recalled.
They clasped hands and chose
Fire or falling. They chose
To fall together, tiny specks
Through air that fed the fire
Preceding the towers' greater crash.

So I, too, fall through air
This moment and the next
I love this life and let it pass
I'm still and always falling
I say to you,
Ever irrevocably
I love you
Leap with me.

I was revisiting what I've learnt about 9/11 in school and came accross this poem. This picture fills me with a great sadness whenever I see it.
I've been neglecting this blog, but it can't be helped I guess, life will always get in the way.
Hope to post more soon.

(I'm sorry if this upsets anyone with links to the September 11 attack, it was never my intention)

I told myself that I wouldn't go to bed late, that I would go kind of early but then the printer stopped working so I couldn't print my assignment and he sent me a message and now it's late.

Our silence spoke volumes.

I talked to her

('I worry about you.')

and I talked to him

('I'm sorry.')

about the things that had been worrying me the most

and I told them what I was going to tell him

and they told me what I knew I wanted to hear

and I don't know whether I'm okay or not

or if it's what I wanted.

(We went driving, and barely spoke the whole way there or back. It was the longest 5km drive of my life.)

Tonight I opened up a part of my heart and let its contents fall onto the keys.
I hope it is something.

Dear B.

You said
'I don't believe in love anymore, or religion.
I don't believe in people.
I've lost faith in the human race.'

I'm not sure I believe in religion anymore,
and it's easy to lose faith in the human race.
But don't give up on love.
I'm not going to tell you anything cliched
like how 'there's someone for everyone'
or anything like that.
But if you stop caring so much,
then sometimes good things will find you.
I don't know how,
or if it will work
but please don't give up.
So many people love you and care
about you, can't you see?

You say you're not happy, 
but it's easy to be fooled
into thinking that you are,
because you're so good at acting.
But now that I know
it won't be easy to forget.

Love, Me.

I’m waiting for something, anything to change me from who I am into who I should be.

Eyes.

(Of course it wouldn't be this big though, I'm thinking of something much, much smaller, somewhere where I can see it and appreciate it) Photo

I think about getting something tattooed on my skin sometimes. It would have to be something important, or meaningful, or just something that I wouldn't mind making a part of me forever.

{I like the word forever. I think that to have the name 'ever' would be just the loveliest thing. As if when people said 'forever' what they really meant 'for you'}

Maybe a feather, a leaf, a bird or some words, maybe a phrase?
Or maybe an eye, or two eyes.

Eyes fascinate me, especially how all eyes are different. I always notice a person's eyes. I wonder if it's like that for other people?
I guess most people wouldn't know that my right eye has a small brown freckle in amongst all the blue. I wish that I could look into a person's eyes without having to look away. I can do it if they don't know that I'm looking. But to look closely into someones eyes and to notice all the different coloured spots in them or the way their eyes look like chocolate in the sun or just how their eyes start as one colour on the outside and end in another on the inside. I think that would be beautiful.

I tag a lot of my posts with 'eyes,' and I'm not really sure why, but it just feels right.

What are your thoughts on tattoos? Have any?

Broken.

It would be easy to fall apart.
Piece by tiny piece.
And it’s hard to be put back together again once this happens.
Because, like with all puzzles, pieces get lost.
Maybe you’ll never be whole again.

100 Things.

I this my 100th post, so I thought I'd do something different.

10 things about me.
1.  I have curly hair that frustrates me to no end.
2. I mostly only wear odd socks.
3. I like writing more than anything else.
4. I collect notebooks.
5. I read books that make me feel.
6. I have a boyfriend.
7. I like taking photos of things.
8. I've been playing soccer for 7 years.
9. I like collecting quotes.
10. I'm always listening to music.


10 pictures that I found. (on weheartit)

10 Things (more) things.

1. I have been meaning to write a book of letters for my friends and family to read after I die. (Not that I plan on going anytime soon, it's just that you never know what might happen, and I can't leave them with nothing.)
2. I love writing but I don't always think that what I write is good enough. I am starting to learn to love the things I write now. Maybe because I'm learning to write them for me.
3. The other day I realised that sometimes I'm so shy I even breathe quietly.
4. I'm scared. I mean, I'm scared of what could be under my bed, or hiding in the shower, I'm scared of next year because it means making big decisions that I'm not ready enough to make, I'm scared of dying because I don't know what comes next, I'm scared of trying because I could fail, I'm scared of changing because it's different and diffiicult.
5. I always say goodbye when someone leaves - incase something happens.
6. I take everything to heart - everything. So watch what you say because when you say it you may think nothing of it, and you might not notice , but my heart is sinking and my brain will have stored it away to keep reminding me over and over and over again, and my cup will be half empty, so to me you will have meant whatever you said and when I;m upset later, or later that afternoon, or before I go to sleep I will remember and I will think and think and think about it until I don't want to anymore because in the end it will all be too much.
7. I'm not confident. I doubt everything. I always wonder what people mean when they say certain things and I have to ask otherwise it eats away at me. I always need encouragement to do things and to be reassured that whatever I'm doing is ok, that it won't hurt anyone, that 'no you're not a horrible person'. I will never stop doubting.
8. I collect lyrics like a gardener collects flowers. On post-it notes, scrawled in notebooks, and written underneath my desk, I hoard them, saving them up for - I don't even know yet myself. They're mostly sad ones, I like sad things you see.
9. I can't look you in the eye for more than a few seconds without looking away. I just can't. It's nothing against you, just please don't stare.
10. Some days I don't know where I fit in. I feel lost, and find myself wandering, trying to find my place. I don't know if you can have a best friend that you can't tell everything to.


10 Quotes.
1. "Sometimes I can hear my bones straining under the weight of all the lives I'm not living." - Jonathan Safran Foer
2. "I desire the things, that will destroy me in the end." - Sylvia Plath
3. "I can't explain myself, I'm afraid sir," said Alice, "Because I'm not myself, you see." - Lewis Carroll
4. "I want to believe in it all again — in art, fate, and love. And I want to believe that I’ve made the right choice and that I’m on the right path and there’s still time to fix the mistakes I’ve made. And I guess I want hope." - One Tree Hill
5. "You deserve good things, and I want to be one of them." - Impulse, Ellen Hopkins
6. "And even though the world goes on for eons and eons, you are only here for a fraction of a fraction of a second. Most of your time is spent being dead or not yet born. But while alive, you wait in vain, wasting years for a phone call or a letter or a look from someone or something to make it all right. And it never comes or it seems to but doesn't really." - Synecdoche, New York
7. “These are not books, lumps of lifeless paper, but minds alive on the shelves. From each of them goes out its own voice… and just as the touch of a button on our set will fill the room with music, so by taking down one of these volumes and opening it, one can call into range the voice of a man far distant in time and space, and hear him speaking to us, mind to mind, heart to heart.” - Gilbert Highet
8. "I think you could fall in love with anyone if you saw the parts of them that no one else gets to see. Like, if you followed them around invisibly for a day and you saw them crying in their bed at night or singing to themselves as they make a sandwich or just walking along the street. Even if they were really weird and had no friends at school. I think after seeing them at their most vulnerable you wouldn’t be able to help falling in love with them." - Tumblr
9. “And all the books you’ve read have been read by other people. And all the songs you’ve loved have been heard by other people. And that girl that’s pretty to you is pretty to other people. And you know that if you looked at these facts when you were happy, you would feel great because you are describing unity.” - The Perks of Being a Wallflower
10. “These were the lovely bones that had grown around my absence: the connections - sometimes tenuous, sometimes made at great cost, but often magnificent - that happened after I was gone. And I began to see things in a way that let me hold the world without me in it. The events that my death wrought were merely the bones of a body that would become whole at some unpredictable time in the future. The price of what I came to see as this miraculous body had been my life.” - Alice Sebold


10 Things to say.
1. B - Please don't say things like that. It makes me worry and I already worry too much.
2. P -  I hope you're getting better. In some crazy, fucked up way I think she's good for you. I hope it stays that way.
3. S - I know now. And I think I'm beginning to understand why you did it. You can talk to me. I'm your best friend and I want to be able to talk to you about anything and everything. But I can't yet.
4. K - I respect your decision a lot more than theirs. Thankyou for giving me hope.
5. R - I'm sorry I don't know what I'm doing a lot of the time. I'm learning though. But please don't say things like that without having a reason to.
6. J - It's your fault, don't you see? You fuck things up and then don't change. I don't think you'll ever learn from your mistakes. Eventually you'll only have yourself to blame.
7. G - I really do hope you're okay. I worry about you too. You have talent in what you do.
8. D - What will you have left after this? It's too soon to say these things. It's meant to be something special.
9. K - Sometimes I don't know what to say to you. I don't want to encourage you, but they're your decisions to make.
10. Me - You can't avoid it forever. You need to change, she's right about this. Don't stay stagnant because it's easier.

10 Songs I like
1. Everything - A Cursive Memory
2. Gotta Be Somebody's Blues - Jimmy Eat World
3. Lillian Lies - Youth Group
4. Skinny Love - Bon Iver
5. Landslide - Epicure
6. To Be Quite Honest - Cruiserweight
7. Act One, Scene One - The Fall of Troy
8. Anger Is The Brand New Thing - Kisschasy
9. We've Got a Big Mess On Our Hands - The Academy Is...
10. Cut Me, Mick - Yellowcard

10 pictures that I took.

 One of my favourite snacks :)

 Backyard reflections.

 Raindrops on Agapanthas.

 A Sleeping ladybeetle.

 A pretty spider.

 A willow at sunset.

 One of our new baby chickens when it was just over a month old :)

 A flock of birds near sunset.

 A pelican at sunrise.

A wave at one of my favourite places in the world.

10 words I like.

1. Transience

2. Effervescence

3. Ephemeral

4. Ethereal

5. Myriad

6. Murmur

7. Intertwined

8. Silhouette

9. Phosphorescence

10. Aqueous

10 books I love.

1. Paper Towns – john green

2. Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close – johnathon safran foer
3. The Perks of being a Wallflower – Stephen chbosky
4. The history of love – Nicole krauss
5. The Messenger - Markus Zusak
6. The noah confessions – Barbara hall
7. The truth about forever – sarah desson
8. The lovely bones – alice sebold
9. The Book Theif - Markus Zusak
10. Before I Die – Jenny Downham


10 Lyrics.
1. Space and time distort the mind.
2. Hear me now, you will never be alone.
3. See all these people, they tell you who you are and who you should be, they've gone too far.
4. I'll leave pieces of paper, pieces of myself along the way.
5. Cuts on paper hearts they can be awful deep.
6. Sing the song they sing, the words you don't mean. When's the last time you looked inside?
7. I stopped trying to write the things I don't like and I started going back to where I'd been before.
8. And for one crowded hour, you were the only one in the room.
9. Is it real, does it give to much away? Is pouring out my heart till you come back a reason to stay, do you know?
10. We made plans to kiss the sun at night.


Sorry this was such a long post. I wanted to make it 100 things for 100 posts, and I'm quite happy that I managed to bring together 100 things. It took a surprising amount of effort and actually took me a week to make in all. Maybe now that you've read this you'll know a little more about me, and maybe you'll understand.

Surface.

I could feel the waves of emotion lapping at my feet again, trying to drag me away but I could not (would not) let them. But they kept on trying, using the smallest memory of how I had once been to try and pull me under, into their cold embrace.

Two letters from forever ago: ‘love forever, Mum xx’, and ‘You will not listen to your conscience anymore. Understood?’

Two books: How To Feel and How To Be Happy.

The guilt:

“Do you remember when we went on a bike ride, back in year six or something, and I was crying?”
“Yeah, you were like “I hate life” and I was like geez, you’re only in year six.”

Lying underneath the waves looking up at the sky, the water seemed to have an almost tangible skin to it, a silver layer that made me feel apart from the rest of the world. It was like I was part of a whole other world beneath the water.

To break the surface was a difficult thing, but it was necessary as we all need to breathe sometimes.

This is my entry to this lovely blog created by the lovely Sanchez.

And my bones will only weigh me down

In this world that we call home.

Picture here

Heart's A Mess.

This photo is one of mine.

Drown.

And they closed the beaches

When that little boy drowned.

And they searched and they searched

But he couldn’t be found.

He left behind a father, a sister and mother

But the saddest of all, he left a twin brother.

They were almost alike in every way

He cried when he didn’t come back and play.

They stopped his crying with just a ‘shush’

He knew (they could tell) when the beach fell a hush.

They carried him up, and onto the sand

That boy that will never become a man.

The father cried, the mother screamed

Things were as bad as they had seemed.

Silence quickly fell among the crowd

His voice; it wasn’t very loud

‘Wake up,’ he said. ‘Wake up Tim,

There’s places that we haven’t been

I’ll grow up, and you will to

There’s many things we planned to do.’

All was quiet, all but one sound

His mother falling to the ground.

Because a piece of her heart broke

With every word her young son spoke.

They took him, placed him in a bag

The father sobbed, his shoulders sagged.

‘Mum, they’re taking him away!’

Stop. Their father tried to say

But all that came out was a silent cry

As they lifted his son’s body high.

 



Different.

You stream in
a patch of sunlight
in my morning room.
I stand in you
my face warms
but my feet stay cold.
How can I tell you
why I don't know myself?
Everyone expects me
to be different
than I am.
I am different.
But I wish I was the same.

I'm thinking too much about the future and the past
When really all that matters is the here and the now
I've got to see that somehow

If I were a kind of weather

I'd be the start of a rainstorm as you lie in bed
and
the kind of rainstorm that makes you run around until you become soaked and happy
and
the sort of rainstorm that makes you curl up for comfort in a warm blanket with a book or movie
and
the type of rainstorm that leaves the smell I like after it evaporates.

I was reminded of something - an elusive rhythm, a fragment of lost words...But they made no sound, and what I had almost remembered was incommunicable forever.
- F. Scott Fitzgerald.

"Cal says that humans are made from the nuclear ash of dead stars. He says that when I die, I'll return to dust, glitter,rain. If thats true, I want to be buried right here under this tree. Its roots will reach into the soft mess of my body and suck me dry. I'll be re-formed as apple blossom. I'll drift down in the spring like confetti and cling to my family's shoes. They'll carry me in their pockets to help them sleep. What dreams will they have then?"

— Jenny Downham (Before I Die)

Something between regret and relief.

I'm sorry.
For what?
For being shy.
You don't have to be sorry, that's why I like you.

Things that hurt.

You idiot, you should have gone with him.

I don't care.

I haven't changed though, have I?

I'm fine.

I don't know.

It's not your fault.

Are you okay?

Dear you (and by you I mean all of you)

Please don't do that again.
You have no idea how it affected me.
That when you say those things, I keep it inside of me and it waits, grows, festers.
Don't you know I am insecure and unsure enough all ready, and am always doubting myself?
That what you said wouldn't and couldn't be easily shrugged off and forgotten like maybe you thought it would?
My sister's boyfriend was right when he said "They had no right to say that to you."
You didn't have any right to.

Pieces.

Lately all I've been writing about is you, because at the moment I'm trying to work myself out and to figure out how to be in all this.


I made a book of happy things and I'm thinking of making one of sad things, but I'm not sure if that's a good idea at the moment.
You see the feeling has returned, and it's just there, hovering in my thoughts, threatening me but not quite taking over like it used to. I don't think that it will, but I'm wary all the same. It's been keeping me on my toes.
If I make a book of meaningful things instead, maybe that will be different, but I'm just not sure.
I think I will.

"I feel too much. That's what's going on.' 'Do you think one can feel too much? Or just feel in the wrong ways?' 'My insides don't match up with my outsides.' 'Do anyone's insides and outsides match up?' 'I don't know. I'm only me.' 'Maybe that's what a person's personality is: the difference between the inside and outside.' 'But it's worse for me.' 'I wonder if everyone thinks it's worse for him.' 'Probably. But it really is worse for me."

 — Jonathan Safran Foer (Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close)


It was one of the best books I've ever read.

You are

beaches

and

bluebottles

and

night time

and

driving

and

rollercoaster roads

and

midnight

and

black water

and

bright lights

and

big rocks

and

ice cream

and

walking

and

secret

and

shooting stars

and

dingoes

and

good morning

and

company

and

comfort

and

the opposite of lonely

and

opera

and

movies

and

one in the morning

and

breakwalls

and

jeans

and

football

and

knees

and

hands

and

orange

Sometimes I regret reading so many books, because they've given me unrealistic expectations of the world.

You make me feel orange.

On a color wheel the opposite of orange is blue.
Lonely people are blue, therefore the opposite of lonely is orange.

I wanted to know a word for the opposite of lonely and I found this.
 

Dear You.

I’m sorry that your life’s a mess, and I’m sorry that things don’t work out and I’m sorry that you used to (and still could be, I’ll probably never know) be so sad all the time, and I’m sorry that you can’t find that someone yet (but neither can I, so you’re not alone in being alone ), and I’m sorry that I don’t give you the reaction that you want from me ( I just can’t bring myself to, even though I want to sometimes with my whole being), and I’m sorry that sometimes you feel lost (I seem to feel lost more than others, but maybe it’s because I never tell anyone and neither do they, but I’m working on it I really am can’t you tell? I told you how I felt before when you asked me if I noticed how they were changing even though they said they wouldn’t and I told you I did and that it made me feel lost too and that I didn’t fit in, but when you asked me I didn’t tell you the truth - that you have changed, you’re not the same, you’re different and I couldn’t tell you that because sometimes when people ask for the honest truth and you know that it will hurt them or that they won’t like the answer then it should be ok to tell a lie, to reassure them that no they haven’t changed at all, that they’re still the same person, even if everyone’s changing even if I’ve changed, because really, I have, I could tell you how I’m sad a lot of the time when I’m near the others, because I can feel how different things are and I can feel just how lost things are since they happened, and how I am changing, re orientating myself around them and refocusing the lenses of my eyes to how I see other people, I’m becoming a drifter, floating from place to place trying to figure out where I can place my anchors so that I don’t continue to drift away until I am nothing but a spot in the sky, and I could tell you how I know things won’t be the same, because they could never go back to how they were after everything that’s happened, and I can only remember how they were before everything was turned on it’s side, before the earth began to spin the other way, before that happened because for me, that was what started it all, the butterfly that had the effect on my world) and I’m sorry that I can’t tell you all this because if you want the truth I don’t think you’d know how to handle it and you’d just react the way you know I don’t like and that would put us back to where we were a few weeks ago - not speaking because you didn’t understand - but maybe you did understand, these days I’m just not sure how your brain works - I never was sure - and these days I am less sure than ever.

I wish I could, but I could never tell you this.

From Me.

I'm glad it made you feel better.
(Even if it was a while ago)
And I hope that you're okay.
Even it doesn't sound like you are.
I'm not sure if you want me to know anymore.
Just give me a sign when you're ready.

You know, I think more and more often.

by Tadeusz Borowski


You know, I think more and more often
that I should go back.
Maybe I’ll meet you. And happiness?
Happiness is being sad together.

So I look through the moonlit window
and listen.
Nothing. A breeze stirs somewhere.
Alone among the leaves - the moon.

Like a golden wheel it rolls
above the windblown leaves.
Such moons, only paler,
shone over the Wisla.

Even the Big Dipper on its course
stops in a tree at midnight,
just like at home. But why here?
Truly, I don’t know.

What’s here? Longing and sleepless nights,
unknown streets and somebody’s verse.
I live here as a nobody:
a Displaced Person.

I think of you. I know I must leave.
Perhaps we can return to our past,
but I know neither what youth will be like
nor where you are.

But I’m yours or no one’s
forever. Listen,
listen, read this poem
if somewhere you are alive.

You told me I had small feet.
They're almost half the size of mine, You said.
My hands are small too, I said.
You laughed.

The History of Love - Nicole Kraus.

Insignificant.

I didn’t feel one bit infinite in that moment, I felt insignificant and I could feel the smallness inside of me, inside my chest, making me feel hollow and empty.

photo.

A letter.

All I needed was to write a letter to myself,

saying that I was doing the right thing, 

 before I could start to believe it.

We.

I am you. You are me.

I watch you on the screen.

Half my age and half again

I see myself, I see you.

Running and falling

And crying and singing.

I see proof of the days when living was easy.

Bunched up curls and bring blue eyes.

You stare at the camera,

But you're really staring at me.

I laugh, I cry,

You laugh, You cry.

At least a decade separates us

But we are the same thing,

Being,

Person.

I can see you but you can't see me.

Now I can only look back and try to remember.

As you look forward, and don't mean to, but forget.

                                                         here



Watched some baby videos last night. It made me nostalgic.

Drifting.

I am changing, re orientating myself around them and refocusing the lenses of my eyes to how I see other people, and I’m becoming a drifter, floating from place to place trying to figure out where I can put down my anchors so that I don't continue to drift away until I am nothing but a spot in the sky.

Picture here.

Mean old Clock.

I've been charting time

On its crooked line

And on my crooked line

The mean old clock bears the weight of the world.

The mean old clock bears the weight of the world.

Bears the weight of the world

When we were young

Singing grown up songs

Now I have grown up dreams

Of when the summers were young

Oh the mean old clock bears the weight of the world.

The mean old clock bears the weight of the world.

Bears the weight of the world.

The mean old clock bears the weight of the world

The mean old clock bears the weight of the world

The mean old clock bears the weight of the world.

Bears the weight, it bears the weight of the world.

Mean Old Clock - Leena

(A really lovely song, have a listen if you get the chance.)