My Weaknesses.

I am an awkward person,
I hate confrontation,
I won't ask for much,
I hate being forced to be someone or something I'm not,
I overthink things too much,
I can't look you in the eye,
I stress too much,
I hate being shut down,
I care too much about what other people think,
I am not sure about a lot of things,
If you doubt me I will doubt myself,
I am confused about how I feel and probably always will be,
I judge myself too much,
I am told that I am too nice,
I care too much about people that don't care about me,
I am a shy person although I try not to be,
I need reassuring a lot,
I take everything to heart,
I have a slightly overactive guilt complex,
I fear a lot of things,
I live in the land of 'what if,'

Come back..Please.

I remember when he took his first steps.
He walked away from me.
And he's been walking away ever since.

Quote from Trials and Tribulations.

There was somewhere else I had to be.

I wish to create words with time, letters in spider webs like flies caught in my minds silky strands. My mind begins to disintegrate, words dancing on my eyelids as I close them, until all I can hear is the music in my ears, each beat resonating around my chaotic mind. Notebooks aching to be filled and cluttered, my thoughts thinking, waiting to be unloaded onto pages, but I am too tired, my fingers can not grip the pen, my only weapon.

I seem to fear commitment, my feelings dancing radically from one idea to another while my heart struggles to catch them, I long for clarity, the satisfaction of knowing that I know, you bring with you more confusion and I just add that to the list.
My body loses feeling, a nightmare becoming reality for a moment before being jolted back, eyes closing then opening frantically, mind overcome by something, a feeling that does not have a name, a general sensation like falling.

The darkness infiltrates my mind, back aching, I pass the need for sleep, my fingers tapping at the keys, like a pianist and I think of tomorrow. Anxiousness overcomes me, my stomach jumping, someone opens a cage of butterflies there. I agonise over that moment, never letting go or moving on, repeating in time, over, and over, and over again.

11.11

- I feel like Pete Murray in his song 'I've seen better days.'
Cause he says 'I felt like running so far away, but knew I had to stay'.
I feel like running away from my own problems.


Written by me, on the second of September 2006, age 12.

Would you know, if I asked you?

Your words creep into my mind like a predator's prey.
And with my minds eye I stalk them,
Waiting for the right moment.
But when is the right moment?
And how can we ever know?
And so I retreat, claws retracting and skulk to the far corners of my mind.
It is quiet here.


Picture found: here

But I wish I could say this.

I've seen some posts including pictures expressing what the person wishes they could say to different people. I'm sorry that I can't remember who started this so that I can credit them, and also sorry that I can't show you some of the other lovely posts by people doing the same thing. Sorry.

There are things I wish I could say to different people.

Please stop. It hurts me when you treat me like this, and you know that.

I don't know right now, do you?

I'm happy for you :) And a little bit jealous at the same time.

You. Take these. Now. Or maybe stop taking them..

I can't think right now.

Romantic

This is one of the first stories that I've written that I actually like.
I had to write using Romanticism for English, Romantically, meaning a connection to nature.
Check it out, if you feel like it.

Blooming Most Recklessly.

I've lost them. And they're not coming back.

Tonight I feel the cold
I cannot think straight
My thoughts tumble around in my head
Like clothes in a dryer
I am lost in my own mind

I am whoever I want to be. But who is that really?

I was having  pitying moment, after a fight with my sister, and I'm not sure if it was the pity getting to me or just a random thought, but I realised something.

I'm a hypocrite.

We're all hypocrites.
We lie to ourselves, to each other.
All for what?
To hide who we truly are?

It's not fair.
Life isn't fair kiddo.
Yeah, that I know from personal experience.
Of course it's not fair.
'Life's a bitch and it has puppies', you know?

The question is.
How do we stop lieing?
How do we stop being hypocrites?
Someone tell me when they work that one out.

Restoring the balance.

Do you ever feel like time is running out?
Like soon enough, because you've been so sheltered, something's going to happen?
Something bad.

Soon enough.
I'm think going to hurt myself in soccer, and badly too because all the times I've come close to hurting myself, and haven't, those times have been building up to something big, and one day I'll hurt myself badly, break my leg or something like that.
Or that because I've been sheltered form all the bad things in life, because nothing bad has ever really happened to me or anyone close to me.
All those bad things that should have happened.
Are being collected by some unseen force, adding up.
And one day they will be unleashed.
The balance will be restored.
And all the bad things will pour out.
And into my life.

Blogger tag :D

*give this award to 10 sweet and friendly bloggers,

*make a post about the award including the picture and mention the person who gave it to you,

*put the award on your blog, and

*let your nominated 10 know you've awarded them by leaving a comment!

Well, I don't know much about this Sweet blog tag, all I know is that the Jokerman awarded it to me!

Pretty sweet huh?

I tag...

SomeGirl

Melee

Nabilah

SabineCara

Lizard

Athena

Sanchez

Zmaga

Maz

and Lilah - check out her blog, she's new :)

:D

"The truth is that I don't think that I can carry anyone but myself right now. The streets are empty. I am empty, or, no - I am full of pain. Its my life that is empty."


- Nick and Norah's Infinite playlist -

It's an infinite playlist.

" I shouldn't want the song to end. I always think of each night as a song. Or each moment as a song. but now I'm seeing we don't live in a single song. We move from song to song, from lyric to lyric, from chord to chord. There is no lyric here. Its an infinite playlist. "

We heart it.

To her it was.

Sleepless nights,

and crumpled paper.

Meaningless thoughts,

and meaningful poems.

Unheard sobs,

and unseen tears.

Songs on repeat,

and deafening silence.

To them,

it was nothing.

Sometimes there's this feeling that you get

And like a cold shiver on a warm day

the feeling is ignored

shrugged away and bundled up

as more layers are added

then pushed deep within

into the complex folds of my mind

until being dragged up

into my subconcious once more.

Only the shadows for company.

She lay awake

the only alive soul for miles

or so it seemed

with music playing in her ears

and only the shadows for company.

Thoughts rolling around in her mind

like butterflies

fluttering around the cold grey space

until her mind was silent

and she began to dream once more.

I remember them.

I remember the nightmares.
The ones where I felt claustrophobic, where I could tell if one of the nightmares where coming on because of the brief moments of something that could have been fear, but a different type of fear than the usual fear. It was a greater and deeper rooted sense, almost a feeling of falling.
And even now I still get those moments.

That night.

To them that night meant nothing

to her, everything.

it was a night of crumpled paper

unheard sobs and unseen tears

left alone she cried

while the rest of the world slept.

She cried as she lay with the book in her arms

and she left the song on repeat

but even as the fan spun

the silence was deafening.

When?

Another week, another fight.

Over the same old things.

When will it end?

Something has to change.

The question is when will it.

(picture from Weheartit)

Who I am.

Inspired by the lovely Sanchez at http://theinkyfingerfiles.blogspot.com/
I am me,
I write letters to myself
because no one else will.
I live to write
little pieces of nothing
and everything.
I haven't found him yet
but i will someday.
Pictures can be worth a thousand words
But words can be worth a thousand pictures too.
I like the colour green
it's everywhere I look.
If you haven't sprinkled glitter out of a window,
then I suggest you try it,
I read poems
and write them too.
$2.50 for 30 blue pens really was the best deal
I have done in a long time.
I think way too much.
Music drowns out the bad things.
I'm good at giving advice,
but not taking it.
Walls are the canvas of your heart and mind,
mine will never be blank.
Sometimes I speak to my dogs
as if they can hear me and talk back.
I have a job,
but mainly wish I didn't.
I like cold water,
and sometimes can't swallow warm water.
I'm 16
and still afraid of the dark.
I hold my breath,
when I run through the hallways at night.
With out pen and paper
I'd be lost forever
or never would have existed in the first place.
I wrote lyrics on post-it notes.
Forget boys,
I'm in love with frozen raspberries.
I've given up caring
because I had to.

Shadows.

They're not just tricks of light and dark.
You hear them.
You smell them, taste them, feel them.
They seep right into you.
They become you.

- Excerpt from 'Marty's shadow' John Heffernan -

A new week, a new blog.

As I struggle
fighting sleep so the dreams won't start
I hover at the edge of unconciousness
then am dragged under by a wave of darkness.


I have a new blog. ~ http://dearyou-fromme.blogspot.com/
I kinda like it :)

The feeling that won't go away.

At the moment I am wondering how more I can take.
Sometimes I wish I was like a sponge,
that could soak up emotions
so that I didn't have to feel them.

Written by me on thursday 28th January.




If I feel this bad, imagine how he feels?

You know what?

I'm sick.
of focusing on the negatives,
of complaining,
of not knowing how to deal,
of caring,
of overthinking,
of wondering,
of not being able to just say how I feel.

I'm sick of feeling like this.

I want.
to move on from this,
to not be stressed anymore,
to curb the boredom,
to write and think more positively,
to get away from it all and not care about what I am leaving behind.

I want to be happy.

I just wish.

I wish things were easier like back then when I could write about all the good things in my day, instead of all the bad things, I wish I could be content to just sit in my room and read, for hours on end, without feeling like I wasted the day, just because it wasn't filled with some 'fun' activities, I wish that I didn't care about the way she treated me, and that I could call on her when she was upsetting me, so she knew what she did was wrong, I wish that I didn't like him, that we could just be friends, because I know, really I do, that it is best that way, although, I'm just not sure that my heart has realised it yet, I wish that we could just hang out as friends, without me worrying that I am leading him on, I wish that some certain people could know what is going on in my head without me feeling like I have told them too much, I wish I could trust some of my friends a whole lot more, because although I do trust them, I'm just not sure how much yet, I wish that things were easier but they're not, I wish I didn't care so much but I do, I wish I could understand more but I don't. Why can't life just be easy?