And I know you won't ask me
but I'd say yes every time.
You hide your hands
ashamed of the damage
they could do
but I tell you to go ahead
there's nothing you could do
to me that I haven't already
done to myself.
Once is not enough
I need to love you everyday
to the moon and back
and further
til my eyes are blazing with it.
Don't worry about your own hands
mine can tear you apart
just fine

 

 

(this image is not mine, I couldn't find the original source)

Mary Oliver wrote 'he is exactly the poem I wanted to write' and it's true, there is no-one else that could be made into a poem as intriguing as him.
If I could write him as a poem, I would start it with one letter, because I think the fact that his nickname is a single letter is fascinating and I think about being called M and hearing the sound of my initial curling from his lips.
If I could write him as a poem, I would put something about us having mutually curly hair and the fact that he has no pictures of himself in his profile pictures and I'd marvel about what that means.
If I could write him as a poem, I would mention that we sat next to each other in a graduation ceremony over a year ago and how I thought his nickname was his actual name and how interesting I thought that was.
If I could write him as a poem, I would write about how he works at the video shop near my house and how he's always so lovely there.
If I could write him as a poem, I'd finish it with Yours, M.

Back to normal

In four days I will be finished Uni for the year and I can post things on here again. Things have been so hectic the past few months so I just can't wait to be free of the work :)

I was afraid to post writing on here because if I then submitted it as part of an assessment, the university assessment submission would say that I plagarised it from myself...and I didn't really feel like explaining to them.

Baby photos

Helping dad fix the lawnmower :)

I got really sick when I was little and had to stay in hospital for a while :(

Little monkeys :)

I just love looking at old baby photos, there's nothing like the feeling you get when seeing your younger self looking so happy, and I was a pretty cute little thing I must say haha :)

Yesterday I bought myself roses,

because everyone deserves

to be given flowers

every once in a while

even if

they have to buy them

for themselves.

( I accidently took these motion photos on my phone while trying to take a photo of the roses and write an essay, but I kind of like it :) )

If I could have the names tattooed on my skin
of all the people I have ever loved,
whether fiercely or simply
because of a single glance
exchanged across a crowd,
or the brush of fingertips
accidentally exchanged
across a table.
Then maybe when I die
they will look at my body
and say she loved many,
and if the reasons I loved them,
were there as well,
then my entire body
shall be covered with ink -
evidence of love
and being loved,
proof of a life
lived in love
shall be written
all over my skin.

I will show you fear in a handful of dust.
- T. S. Elliot

I will love where I am right now.

My parents have been
tiptoeing
around me
for the past few days
walking on eggshells
handling me with kid gloves
and all the other cliches I can think of
it's as if I am a tiny bird
they are afraid of crushing
or glass they are afraid of breaking
'How tired are you on a scale of one to ten?'
'Have a good day okay?'
'Be happy.'
Maybe it's working though
because I feel
better
within myself
and really
that's all I want

Reading List

I am writing a reading list for this year. Any suggestions on books to read? :)

Image here.

I’d like to hold your hand under the stars
While we rename constellations
And watch shooting stars
Carving their way through the sky
Leaving trails of light
Wondering if we saw them
Two wishes
But I forgot
And which ones are planets?
Do they sparkle?
Or flicker?
'That one looks red.'

‘I’d like to be made out of stars.’
‘You are.’

I want to write about things like orange trees and feathers and that moment of darkness within before you can fall asleep and brown shiny seeds and tangled wire and the hopeful look in a dog's eyes before you close the curtain and lock the door and the shapes of clouds and the way a page sometimes falls out of a book unexpectedly and the way weeds can be beautiful and how sometimes chickens pace and pace and pace even though they won't be let out and how sometimes you find cuts and bruises that weren't there before and you don't know how they got there.

Paint the town.

Tonight I fell in love with a boy who let me buy my drink before he did.
Tonight I saw him them waved and told myself that I'd get his name or number before I left.

Tonight a boy hugged me.
'Who are you?' I slurred.
'I love you.' he said.
'That's really nice,' I replied. 'Give me a hug.'
So we hugged again then left.

Tonight I danced with a bearded boy as he spun me around and sung Adele badly.
'What do I do!?' I asked her.
I can't remember what she said but I didn't kiss him.

I kept looking for the boy I fell in love with all night but didn't see him again.

'Who was the guy you were dancing with?' he asked.
'The boy with the beard? I don't know!' I laughed.
'Did you kiss him?'
'No.' I laughed again.

'I hate you.' she said when we had to leave. 'You're not my friend anymore.'
'No you don't.' I said as we left.

(Not even sure what this is. I wrote it a few days ago at 3 a.m. after I had been out for the night haha)

Please give up on me.

I just want you to know that it wasn't for you. Since then it never has been. And I'm trying so hard to keep history from repeating itself, but even now I can see that it's happening. Is it so impossible for us to just be friends? I can't be friends with you without hurting you, and that hurts me.

I am not going to let this happen again.

Perry.

It was my mother who decided on naming me Perdita. My father tried to talk her out of it, Jessica sounds nice dear, or how about Emily? But she just smiled at me and shook her head.
And so I became Perdita, but I preferred Perry. My father held onto the notion that once I was old enough I could change my name to whatever I liked. He told me so late one afternoon in May. Now Perry, he said taking both of my hands into his, You know that one day, when you are older and wiser and have seen more of the world, if you still don’t like your name, you can change it to whatever you like. I stared at his wrinkled, calloused hands, covered with an array of scars, going this way and that, they were a map of his life. Really? I asked him, and I looked up as he smiled down at me. Do you promise? I said to him with my chin raised, determination moulding my face into a pair of crinkled eyes and a firm mouth, just daring him to say no.
But he promised. And ever since then I’ve tried to figure out who I could be.


(This is something new. I've been having trouble writing lately, but I am attempting to change that and this is the result.)

I said I wouldn't write about you but then I saw what she wrote and my heart just dropped and my shoulders sagged. What I want more than anything is just to talk to you again, to get to know you better, and for you to see that it's not her, it's me okay? I want to scream it to you at the top of my lungs IT'S ME IT'S ME IT'S ME so that it sticks in your head and so you don't forget. I haven't let my hope get this high in so long and what she wrote just brought them crashing down on top of my head. Now everytime I read it my eyes fog up and I hate her I hate her I hate her all over again.

This isn't very poetic or even well written, but it's emotional and that's all that matters.

I am no longer absent. The words are slowly returning to where they should be and so am I.
My exams finished today, and a typewriter arrived in the mail. My formal is on Friday and I am 18 in two weeks. Everything seems to be falling into place.
I am tired, but content. Things are going to be stressful over the next few days as I also have a few parties and things that need to be done, but hopefully I will cope and everything will turn out fine.
Hopefully I can post more soon.

Look what arrived in the post yesterday :)

P.s. I'm sorry to the people who's comments I haven't replied to yet. I am studying and absentminded at the moment.

Adjusting.

I haven't posted anything in what seems like forever and I haven't written anything in that long either. I don't know why the words have stopped coming, I can only guess that it's because of the pressure of the coming exams. The last thing that I wrote was a letter to her explaining things. It worked. She replied and things are better now.
I haven't seen any of my friends in days. Seen as in spent time with for longer than twenty minutes. I picked up a friend from the bus station today and we talked, but it's a strange feeling being cut off from everyone. I saw another last night when he gave me some religion notes, a cute letter (which I discovered later) and a kiss on the cheek. I miss our chats.
People always said to appreciate the last days of school, I didn't and only now I'm just starting to realise that I won't get to see certain people everyday, or catch up with people at lunch or annoy teachers with our endless chatting. This is supposed to be the best time of my life, but if that's the case, I don't get all the hype. Why wouldn't the rest of my life be better than this?

Just understand okay?

You have to understand that I don't do things like this often. Usually I just sit back and quietly get upset over things that I won't change. But not this time okay? Please understand that I won't do that this time. I'm not an entirely selfish person, and I'm sorry if this hurts you by me making this decision. But I'm losing you anyway. Ever since you had him I've felt like you didn't need me anymore. Yes, maybe I've pulled away, but you've forgotten about me. You may not realise but you do that often.