Please give up on me.

I just want you to know that it wasn't for you. Since then it never has been. And I'm trying so hard to keep history from repeating itself, but even now I can see that it's happening. Is it so impossible for us to just be friends? I can't be friends with you without hurting you, and that hurts me.

I am not going to let this happen again.

Just understand okay?

You have to understand that I don't do things like this often. Usually I just sit back and quietly get upset over things that I won't change. But not this time okay? Please understand that I won't do that this time. I'm not an entirely selfish person, and I'm sorry if this hurts you by me making this decision. But I'm losing you anyway. Ever since you had him I've felt like you didn't need me anymore. Yes, maybe I've pulled away, but you've forgotten about me. You may not realise but you do that often.

Dear You.

I’m sorry that your life’s a mess, and I’m sorry that things don’t work out and I’m sorry that you used to (and still could be, I’ll probably never know) be so sad all the time, and I’m sorry that you can’t find that someone yet (but neither can I, so you’re not alone in being alone ), and I’m sorry that I don’t give you the reaction that you want from me ( I just can’t bring myself to, even though I want to sometimes with my whole being), and I’m sorry that sometimes you feel lost (I seem to feel lost more than others, but maybe it’s because I never tell anyone and neither do they, but I’m working on it I really am can’t you tell? I told you how I felt before when you asked me if I noticed how they were changing even though they said they wouldn’t and I told you I did and that it made me feel lost too and that I didn’t fit in, but when you asked me I didn’t tell you the truth - that you have changed, you’re not the same, you’re different and I couldn’t tell you that because sometimes when people ask for the honest truth and you know that it will hurt them or that they won’t like the answer then it should be ok to tell a lie, to reassure them that no they haven’t changed at all, that they’re still the same person, even if everyone’s changing even if I’ve changed, because really, I have, I could tell you how I’m sad a lot of the time when I’m near the others, because I can feel how different things are and I can feel just how lost things are since they happened, and how I am changing, re orientating myself around them and refocusing the lenses of my eyes to how I see other people, I’m becoming a drifter, floating from place to place trying to figure out where I can place my anchors so that I don’t continue to drift away until I am nothing but a spot in the sky, and I could tell you how I know things won’t be the same, because they could never go back to how they were after everything that’s happened, and I can only remember how they were before everything was turned on it’s side, before the earth began to spin the other way, before that happened because for me, that was what started it all, the butterfly that had the effect on my world) and I’m sorry that I can’t tell you all this because if you want the truth I don’t think you’d know how to handle it and you’d just react the way you know I don’t like and that would put us back to where we were a few weeks ago - not speaking because you didn’t understand - but maybe you did understand, these days I’m just not sure how your brain works - I never was sure - and these days I am less sure than ever.

I wish I could, but I could never tell you this.

From Me.

Valentines day cards make my heart hurt.

Today I went Valentines day card shopping with two of my friends, both of whom have boyfriends.

I joked with the shop lady about how I was the lonely one, following them as they chose.

We both laughed.

I tried not to let it bother me.

But Valentines day does get to me.

Really, all it does is remind people of how lonely they are.

Gloomy feelings and not knowing where you stand 

are cause for a night full of sighs.

10 people, 10 things.

D.
Angry angry angry
Everything you do or say makes me angry
Please don't talk to me
I do resent you.

M.
Stop stop stop
Please will you just stop
Please don't nag me any more
I can't stand it
You're making me resent you.

Me.
Lonely lonely lonely
I always feel lonely
Now out of place with my own friends
People say they don't change
That they won't
And they lie
They always do.

S.
Intruder intruder intruder
You make me feel like an intruder
How come I feel alone around my own friends?
This is all your fault.

J.
Bitter bitter bitter
I am becoming bitter
Soon I will be sour as a lemon
Repelling people from my presence
As you are both repelling me from yours.

J.
Confused confused confused
You make me so confused
More than ever before
I don't want it to be this way
Please make things clearer
And show me that you care.

J.
Changed changed changed
I didn't like you when you changed
When you stopped being there
When you started hanging around with them
When you began to treat me differently
Sometimes I miss you now, sometimes I don't
Where were you when I needed you?
I don't know if I need you now.

K.
Different different different
You are the same but different
I don't know how I feel about you as a friend
I don't know whether I can trust you
Like you trust me.

P.
Understand understand understand
I don't understand
You are messed up
Taking more pills than I can count
I notice when your eyes change
You say no one else does
Its really because I look into things more than other people
Maybe because when I look, I really see.

J.
Gone gone gone
Where have you gone?
What changed?
Something is different
But I don't know what it is
I just want things to be the same they were.