Enough.

I don't know I don't know I don't know
All I've been doing is saying the same things and nothing changes, nothing ever changes.
I don't feel any different.
I drove away from her
I just keep telling my self that she deserves it she deserves it she deserves it
and she does because she never changes
I told her that she takes me for granted and that one day I won't be here for you and you'll be sorry
I don't know why I said that I was just angry
but I meant that one day she won't be able to take me for granted anymore
and I want that one day to be today
because she just doesn't appreciate me

and I yelled and yelled

and the whole time she just kept saying thankyou thankyou thankyou

and patronising me

and I could tell that she didn't give a shit

then after I left her and drove away I got scared and I just keep seeing things out of the corner of my eyes and I don't know if that's okay so I just turned the music up and wiped away the tears
stayed angry for a while

then I got home and it all started

and now I feel bad even though it's her fault

I always do

and now I'm just listening to the same song over and over
and trying to forget the things that hurt me and keep me up at night
and I'm just hoping that she won't do something that will make me hate myself
even though I tried

No one's really listening.

Loveless.

Listen.

when your time has come and gone
when your final race is won
when the flowers kiss the trees
when the king is on his knees

when your eyes don't speak the truth
and denial is your muse
when your life follows a plan,
your convenience is banned

you're loveless, it's okay you,ve planned it well
you will be happy to know that I've moved on as well

when a lion has it's teeth,
and the sword rest in it's sheath
when the liar plays the fool and the fool makes every rule

you're loveless, it's okay you're planned it well
you will be happy to know that I've moved on as well
you're loveless, it's okay you've planned it well
it's seemless, i already know you well

when you're alone with every one,
know a place to call the sun
there's a feeling in your bones,
you just might end up alone

when you're just so self assured,
now you're rotting at the core
when you're challenged by the truth,
find some friends who lie to you

you're loveless, it's okay you've planned it well
it's seemless, I already know you well.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oCZhYf9hPCE&feature=related
(I couldn't post the video, but I love the song.)

Dear B.

You said
'I don't believe in love anymore, or religion.
I don't believe in people.
I've lost faith in the human race.'

I'm not sure I believe in religion anymore,
and it's easy to lose faith in the human race.
But don't give up on love.
I'm not going to tell you anything cliched
like how 'there's someone for everyone'
or anything like that.
But if you stop caring so much,
then sometimes good things will find you.
I don't know how,
or if it will work
but please don't give up.
So many people love you and care
about you, can't you see?

You say you're not happy, 
but it's easy to be fooled
into thinking that you are,
because you're so good at acting.
But now that I know
it won't be easy to forget.

Love, Me.

Surface.

I could feel the waves of emotion lapping at my feet again, trying to drag me away but I could not (would not) let them. But they kept on trying, using the smallest memory of how I had once been to try and pull me under, into their cold embrace.

Two letters from forever ago: ‘love forever, Mum xx’, and ‘You will not listen to your conscience anymore. Understood?’

Two books: How To Feel and How To Be Happy.

The guilt:

“Do you remember when we went on a bike ride, back in year six or something, and I was crying?”
“Yeah, you were like “I hate life” and I was like geez, you’re only in year six.”

Lying underneath the waves looking up at the sky, the water seemed to have an almost tangible skin to it, a silver layer that made me feel apart from the rest of the world. It was like I was part of a whole other world beneath the water.

To break the surface was a difficult thing, but it was necessary as we all need to breathe sometimes.

This is my entry to this lovely blog created by the lovely Sanchez.

Pieces.

Lately all I've been writing about is you, because at the moment I'm trying to work myself out and to figure out how to be in all this.


I made a book of happy things and I'm thinking of making one of sad things, but I'm not sure if that's a good idea at the moment.
You see the feeling has returned, and it's just there, hovering in my thoughts, threatening me but not quite taking over like it used to. I don't think that it will, but I'm wary all the same. It's been keeping me on my toes.
If I make a book of meaningful things instead, maybe that will be different, but I'm just not sure.
I think I will.

"I feel too much. That's what's going on.' 'Do you think one can feel too much? Or just feel in the wrong ways?' 'My insides don't match up with my outsides.' 'Do anyone's insides and outsides match up?' 'I don't know. I'm only me.' 'Maybe that's what a person's personality is: the difference between the inside and outside.' 'But it's worse for me.' 'I wonder if everyone thinks it's worse for him.' 'Probably. But it really is worse for me."

 — Jonathan Safran Foer (Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close)


It was one of the best books I've ever read.

Drifting.

I am changing, re orientating myself around them and refocusing the lenses of my eyes to how I see other people, and I’m becoming a drifter, floating from place to place trying to figure out where I can put down my anchors so that I don't continue to drift away until I am nothing but a spot in the sky.

Picture here.

Sometimes there's this feeling that you get

And like a cold shiver on a warm day

the feeling is ignored

shrugged away and bundled up

as more layers are added

then pushed deep within

into the complex folds of my mind

until being dragged up

into my subconcious once more.