Enough.

I don't know I don't know I don't know
All I've been doing is saying the same things and nothing changes, nothing ever changes.
I don't feel any different.
I drove away from her
I just keep telling my self that she deserves it she deserves it she deserves it
and she does because she never changes
I told her that she takes me for granted and that one day I won't be here for you and you'll be sorry
I don't know why I said that I was just angry
but I meant that one day she won't be able to take me for granted anymore
and I want that one day to be today
because she just doesn't appreciate me

and I yelled and yelled

and the whole time she just kept saying thankyou thankyou thankyou

and patronising me

and I could tell that she didn't give a shit

then after I left her and drove away I got scared and I just keep seeing things out of the corner of my eyes and I don't know if that's okay so I just turned the music up and wiped away the tears
stayed angry for a while

then I got home and it all started

and now I feel bad even though it's her fault

I always do

and now I'm just listening to the same song over and over
and trying to forget the things that hurt me and keep me up at night
and I'm just hoping that she won't do something that will make me hate myself
even though I tried

No one's really listening.

Eyes.

(Of course it wouldn't be this big though, I'm thinking of something much, much smaller, somewhere where I can see it and appreciate it) Photo

I think about getting something tattooed on my skin sometimes. It would have to be something important, or meaningful, or just something that I wouldn't mind making a part of me forever.

{I like the word forever. I think that to have the name 'ever' would be just the loveliest thing. As if when people said 'forever' what they really meant 'for you'}

Maybe a feather, a leaf, a bird or some words, maybe a phrase?
Or maybe an eye, or two eyes.

Eyes fascinate me, especially how all eyes are different. I always notice a person's eyes. I wonder if it's like that for other people?
I guess most people wouldn't know that my right eye has a small brown freckle in amongst all the blue. I wish that I could look into a person's eyes without having to look away. I can do it if they don't know that I'm looking. But to look closely into someones eyes and to notice all the different coloured spots in them or the way their eyes look like chocolate in the sun or just how their eyes start as one colour on the outside and end in another on the inside. I think that would be beautiful.

I tag a lot of my posts with 'eyes,' and I'm not really sure why, but it just feels right.

What are your thoughts on tattoos? Have any?

Surface.

I could feel the waves of emotion lapping at my feet again, trying to drag me away but I could not (would not) let them. But they kept on trying, using the smallest memory of how I had once been to try and pull me under, into their cold embrace.

Two letters from forever ago: ‘love forever, Mum xx’, and ‘You will not listen to your conscience anymore. Understood?’

Two books: How To Feel and How To Be Happy.

The guilt:

“Do you remember when we went on a bike ride, back in year six or something, and I was crying?”
“Yeah, you were like “I hate life” and I was like geez, you’re only in year six.”

Lying underneath the waves looking up at the sky, the water seemed to have an almost tangible skin to it, a silver layer that made me feel apart from the rest of the world. It was like I was part of a whole other world beneath the water.

To break the surface was a difficult thing, but it was necessary as we all need to breathe sometimes.

This is my entry to this lovely blog created by the lovely Sanchez.

Heart's A Mess.

This photo is one of mine.

Different.

You stream in
a patch of sunlight
in my morning room.
I stand in you
my face warms
but my feet stay cold.
How can I tell you
why I don't know myself?
Everyone expects me
to be different
than I am.
I am different.
But I wish I was the same.

I'm thinking too much about the future and the past
When really all that matters is the here and the now
I've got to see that somehow

Something between regret and relief.

I'm sorry.
For what?
For being shy.
You don't have to be sorry, that's why I like you.

You make me feel orange.

On a color wheel the opposite of orange is blue.
Lonely people are blue, therefore the opposite of lonely is orange.

I wanted to know a word for the opposite of lonely and I found this.
 

We.

I am you. You are me.

I watch you on the screen.

Half my age and half again

I see myself, I see you.

Running and falling

And crying and singing.

I see proof of the days when living was easy.

Bunched up curls and bring blue eyes.

You stare at the camera,

But you're really staring at me.

I laugh, I cry,

You laugh, You cry.

At least a decade separates us

But we are the same thing,

Being,

Person.

I can see you but you can't see me.

Now I can only look back and try to remember.

As you look forward, and don't mean to, but forget.

                                                         here



Watched some baby videos last night. It made me nostalgic.

Drifting.

I am changing, re orientating myself around them and refocusing the lenses of my eyes to how I see other people, and I’m becoming a drifter, floating from place to place trying to figure out where I can put down my anchors so that I don't continue to drift away until I am nothing but a spot in the sky.

Picture here.

A trip to the beach.

Dead

lifeless bodies

littered the sand.

Wings outstretched

eyes

forever open

but they do not see anything

any more.

Rust

countless old bottles

aching

to be filled

with messages

then set afloat

into that big

blue world.

Driftwood

bent and twisted

polished smooth

by the pounding waves

and the

turning

of the sands.

Fish

mouths gaping

dried straight and stiff

eye sockets empty

two black holes

waiting for the

water

to claim them.

once more.

(All photographs taken by me)