Just understand okay?

You have to understand that I don't do things like this often. Usually I just sit back and quietly get upset over things that I won't change. But not this time okay? Please understand that I won't do that this time. I'm not an entirely selfish person, and I'm sorry if this hurts you by me making this decision. But I'm losing you anyway. Ever since you had him I've felt like you didn't need me anymore. Yes, maybe I've pulled away, but you've forgotten about me. You may not realise but you do that often.

Enough.

I don't know I don't know I don't know
All I've been doing is saying the same things and nothing changes, nothing ever changes.
I don't feel any different.
I drove away from her
I just keep telling my self that she deserves it she deserves it she deserves it
and she does because she never changes
I told her that she takes me for granted and that one day I won't be here for you and you'll be sorry
I don't know why I said that I was just angry
but I meant that one day she won't be able to take me for granted anymore
and I want that one day to be today
because she just doesn't appreciate me

and I yelled and yelled

and the whole time she just kept saying thankyou thankyou thankyou

and patronising me

and I could tell that she didn't give a shit

then after I left her and drove away I got scared and I just keep seeing things out of the corner of my eyes and I don't know if that's okay so I just turned the music up and wiped away the tears
stayed angry for a while

then I got home and it all started

and now I feel bad even though it's her fault

I always do

and now I'm just listening to the same song over and over
and trying to forget the things that hurt me and keep me up at night
and I'm just hoping that she won't do something that will make me hate myself
even though I tried

No one's really listening.

Loveless.

Listen.

when your time has come and gone
when your final race is won
when the flowers kiss the trees
when the king is on his knees

when your eyes don't speak the truth
and denial is your muse
when your life follows a plan,
your convenience is banned

you're loveless, it's okay you,ve planned it well
you will be happy to know that I've moved on as well

when a lion has it's teeth,
and the sword rest in it's sheath
when the liar plays the fool and the fool makes every rule

you're loveless, it's okay you're planned it well
you will be happy to know that I've moved on as well
you're loveless, it's okay you've planned it well
it's seemless, i already know you well

when you're alone with every one,
know a place to call the sun
there's a feeling in your bones,
you just might end up alone

when you're just so self assured,
now you're rotting at the core
when you're challenged by the truth,
find some friends who lie to you

you're loveless, it's okay you've planned it well
it's seemless, I already know you well.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oCZhYf9hPCE&feature=related
(I couldn't post the video, but I love the song.)

27.7.11

I don't know what to write

I've used up all my words
writing notes while my mind
floats somewhere else
(I must try to stop it doing that)
I haven't cried today
it tried to take me over
but I fought it away
no breakdown # 10 tonight (I've lost count)
It's getting easier to be
overcome by the bad things
in each day
'How was your day?'
'Alright I guess'
'Only alright?'
'Yeah'
Luckily she's there
to take the bad things away
it's what a mum does best after all
and I love her more for being there
everyday
'I don't want you to ever feel like you
can't talk to me about something'
Don't worry, I need you to make me
happy when I am sad
The stress gets too much sometimes
I don't know what I'd do
if she wasn't there to
take it away

The fall.

Falling Through Air
by Margery Snyder

Events are irrevocable
Some thoughts, once thought
Cannot be undone, once
Encoded in synaptic pathways
Come to the same end
However often re-enacted.

Gravity and time move
In one direction
As those people fell but once
Through awe and smoke
But are ever dead
No matter how often
The moment of their fall
Plays through my nerves...

So I fall through air
Between these scented trees
My feet dangling to gravity
As did theirs, but once,
This time, however often
I run down this hill.

Even the littlest moments
Are irrevocable, words said,
Once said, cannot be recalled.
They clasped hands and chose
Fire or falling. They chose
To fall together, tiny specks
Through air that fed the fire
Preceding the towers' greater crash.

So I, too, fall through air
This moment and the next
I love this life and let it pass
I'm still and always falling
I say to you,
Ever irrevocably
I love you
Leap with me.

I was revisiting what I've learnt about 9/11 in school and came accross this poem. This picture fills me with a great sadness whenever I see it.
I've been neglecting this blog, but it can't be helped I guess, life will always get in the way.
Hope to post more soon.

(I'm sorry if this upsets anyone with links to the September 11 attack, it was never my intention)

Drown.

And they closed the beaches

When that little boy drowned.

And they searched and they searched

But he couldn’t be found.

He left behind a father, a sister and mother

But the saddest of all, he left a twin brother.

They were almost alike in every way

He cried when he didn’t come back and play.

They stopped his crying with just a ‘shush’

He knew (they could tell) when the beach fell a hush.

They carried him up, and onto the sand

That boy that will never become a man.

The father cried, the mother screamed

Things were as bad as they had seemed.

Silence quickly fell among the crowd

His voice; it wasn’t very loud

‘Wake up,’ he said. ‘Wake up Tim,

There’s places that we haven’t been

I’ll grow up, and you will to

There’s many things we planned to do.’

All was quiet, all but one sound

His mother falling to the ground.

Because a piece of her heart broke

With every word her young son spoke.

They took him, placed him in a bag

The father sobbed, his shoulders sagged.

‘Mum, they’re taking him away!’

Stop. Their father tried to say

But all that came out was a silent cry

As they lifted his son’s body high.

 



"Cal says that humans are made from the nuclear ash of dead stars. He says that when I die, I'll return to dust, glitter,rain. If thats true, I want to be buried right here under this tree. Its roots will reach into the soft mess of my body and suck me dry. I'll be re-formed as apple blossom. I'll drift down in the spring like confetti and cling to my family's shoes. They'll carry me in their pockets to help them sleep. What dreams will they have then?"

— Jenny Downham (Before I Die)

Something between regret and relief.

I'm sorry.
For what?
For being shy.
You don't have to be sorry, that's why I like you.

Dear you (and by you I mean all of you)

Please don't do that again.
You have no idea how it affected me.
That when you say those things, I keep it inside of me and it waits, grows, festers.
Don't you know I am insecure and unsure enough all ready, and am always doubting myself?
That what you said wouldn't and couldn't be easily shrugged off and forgotten like maybe you thought it would?
My sister's boyfriend was right when he said "They had no right to say that to you."
You didn't have any right to.

Dear You.

I’m sorry that your life’s a mess, and I’m sorry that things don’t work out and I’m sorry that you used to (and still could be, I’ll probably never know) be so sad all the time, and I’m sorry that you can’t find that someone yet (but neither can I, so you’re not alone in being alone ), and I’m sorry that I don’t give you the reaction that you want from me ( I just can’t bring myself to, even though I want to sometimes with my whole being), and I’m sorry that sometimes you feel lost (I seem to feel lost more than others, but maybe it’s because I never tell anyone and neither do they, but I’m working on it I really am can’t you tell? I told you how I felt before when you asked me if I noticed how they were changing even though they said they wouldn’t and I told you I did and that it made me feel lost too and that I didn’t fit in, but when you asked me I didn’t tell you the truth - that you have changed, you’re not the same, you’re different and I couldn’t tell you that because sometimes when people ask for the honest truth and you know that it will hurt them or that they won’t like the answer then it should be ok to tell a lie, to reassure them that no they haven’t changed at all, that they’re still the same person, even if everyone’s changing even if I’ve changed, because really, I have, I could tell you how I’m sad a lot of the time when I’m near the others, because I can feel how different things are and I can feel just how lost things are since they happened, and how I am changing, re orientating myself around them and refocusing the lenses of my eyes to how I see other people, I’m becoming a drifter, floating from place to place trying to figure out where I can place my anchors so that I don’t continue to drift away until I am nothing but a spot in the sky, and I could tell you how I know things won’t be the same, because they could never go back to how they were after everything that’s happened, and I can only remember how they were before everything was turned on it’s side, before the earth began to spin the other way, before that happened because for me, that was what started it all, the butterfly that had the effect on my world) and I’m sorry that I can’t tell you all this because if you want the truth I don’t think you’d know how to handle it and you’d just react the way you know I don’t like and that would put us back to where we were a few weeks ago - not speaking because you didn’t understand - but maybe you did understand, these days I’m just not sure how your brain works - I never was sure - and these days I am less sure than ever.

I wish I could, but I could never tell you this.

From Me.

You know, I think more and more often.

by Tadeusz Borowski


You know, I think more and more often
that I should go back.
Maybe I’ll meet you. And happiness?
Happiness is being sad together.

So I look through the moonlit window
and listen.
Nothing. A breeze stirs somewhere.
Alone among the leaves - the moon.

Like a golden wheel it rolls
above the windblown leaves.
Such moons, only paler,
shone over the Wisla.

Even the Big Dipper on its course
stops in a tree at midnight,
just like at home. But why here?
Truly, I don’t know.

What’s here? Longing and sleepless nights,
unknown streets and somebody’s verse.
I live here as a nobody:
a Displaced Person.

I think of you. I know I must leave.
Perhaps we can return to our past,
but I know neither what youth will be like
nor where you are.

But I’m yours or no one’s
forever. Listen,
listen, read this poem
if somewhere you are alive.

We.

I am you. You are me.

I watch you on the screen.

Half my age and half again

I see myself, I see you.

Running and falling

And crying and singing.

I see proof of the days when living was easy.

Bunched up curls and bring blue eyes.

You stare at the camera,

But you're really staring at me.

I laugh, I cry,

You laugh, You cry.

At least a decade separates us

But we are the same thing,

Being,

Person.

I can see you but you can't see me.

Now I can only look back and try to remember.

As you look forward, and don't mean to, but forget.

                                                         here



Watched some baby videos last night. It made me nostalgic.

Gloomy feelings and not knowing where you stand 

are cause for a night full of sighs.

I'm not sure what this is
or if it means anything.