Paint the town.

Tonight I fell in love with a boy who let me buy my drink before he did.
Tonight I saw him them waved and told myself that I'd get his name or number before I left.

Tonight a boy hugged me.
'Who are you?' I slurred.
'I love you.' he said.
'That's really nice,' I replied. 'Give me a hug.'
So we hugged again then left.

Tonight I danced with a bearded boy as he spun me around and sung Adele badly.
'What do I do!?' I asked her.
I can't remember what she said but I didn't kiss him.

I kept looking for the boy I fell in love with all night but didn't see him again.

'Who was the guy you were dancing with?' he asked.
'The boy with the beard? I don't know!' I laughed.
'Did you kiss him?'
'No.' I laughed again.

'I hate you.' she said when we had to leave. 'You're not my friend anymore.'
'No you don't.' I said as we left.

(Not even sure what this is. I wrote it a few days ago at 3 a.m. after I had been out for the night haha)

I am no longer absent. The words are slowly returning to where they should be and so am I.
My exams finished today, and a typewriter arrived in the mail. My formal is on Friday and I am 18 in two weeks. Everything seems to be falling into place.
I am tired, but content. Things are going to be stressful over the next few days as I also have a few parties and things that need to be done, but hopefully I will cope and everything will turn out fine.
Hopefully I can post more soon.

The fall.

Falling Through Air
by Margery Snyder

Events are irrevocable
Some thoughts, once thought
Cannot be undone, once
Encoded in synaptic pathways
Come to the same end
However often re-enacted.

Gravity and time move
In one direction
As those people fell but once
Through awe and smoke
But are ever dead
No matter how often
The moment of their fall
Plays through my nerves...

So I fall through air
Between these scented trees
My feet dangling to gravity
As did theirs, but once,
This time, however often
I run down this hill.

Even the littlest moments
Are irrevocable, words said,
Once said, cannot be recalled.
They clasped hands and chose
Fire or falling. They chose
To fall together, tiny specks
Through air that fed the fire
Preceding the towers' greater crash.

So I, too, fall through air
This moment and the next
I love this life and let it pass
I'm still and always falling
I say to you,
Ever irrevocably
I love you
Leap with me.

I was revisiting what I've learnt about 9/11 in school and came accross this poem. This picture fills me with a great sadness whenever I see it.
I've been neglecting this blog, but it can't be helped I guess, life will always get in the way.
Hope to post more soon.

(I'm sorry if this upsets anyone with links to the September 11 attack, it was never my intention)

Tonight I opened up a part of my heart and let its contents fall onto the keys.
I hope it is something.

100 Things.

I this my 100th post, so I thought I'd do something different.

10 things about me.
1.  I have curly hair that frustrates me to no end.
2. I mostly only wear odd socks.
3. I like writing more than anything else.
4. I collect notebooks.
5. I read books that make me feel.
6. I have a boyfriend.
7. I like taking photos of things.
8. I've been playing soccer for 7 years.
9. I like collecting quotes.
10. I'm always listening to music.


10 pictures that I found. (on weheartit)

10 Things (more) things.

1. I have been meaning to write a book of letters for my friends and family to read after I die. (Not that I plan on going anytime soon, it's just that you never know what might happen, and I can't leave them with nothing.)
2. I love writing but I don't always think that what I write is good enough. I am starting to learn to love the things I write now. Maybe because I'm learning to write them for me.
3. The other day I realised that sometimes I'm so shy I even breathe quietly.
4. I'm scared. I mean, I'm scared of what could be under my bed, or hiding in the shower, I'm scared of next year because it means making big decisions that I'm not ready enough to make, I'm scared of dying because I don't know what comes next, I'm scared of trying because I could fail, I'm scared of changing because it's different and diffiicult.
5. I always say goodbye when someone leaves - incase something happens.
6. I take everything to heart - everything. So watch what you say because when you say it you may think nothing of it, and you might not notice , but my heart is sinking and my brain will have stored it away to keep reminding me over and over and over again, and my cup will be half empty, so to me you will have meant whatever you said and when I;m upset later, or later that afternoon, or before I go to sleep I will remember and I will think and think and think about it until I don't want to anymore because in the end it will all be too much.
7. I'm not confident. I doubt everything. I always wonder what people mean when they say certain things and I have to ask otherwise it eats away at me. I always need encouragement to do things and to be reassured that whatever I'm doing is ok, that it won't hurt anyone, that 'no you're not a horrible person'. I will never stop doubting.
8. I collect lyrics like a gardener collects flowers. On post-it notes, scrawled in notebooks, and written underneath my desk, I hoard them, saving them up for - I don't even know yet myself. They're mostly sad ones, I like sad things you see.
9. I can't look you in the eye for more than a few seconds without looking away. I just can't. It's nothing against you, just please don't stare.
10. Some days I don't know where I fit in. I feel lost, and find myself wandering, trying to find my place. I don't know if you can have a best friend that you can't tell everything to.


10 Quotes.
1. "Sometimes I can hear my bones straining under the weight of all the lives I'm not living." - Jonathan Safran Foer
2. "I desire the things, that will destroy me in the end." - Sylvia Plath
3. "I can't explain myself, I'm afraid sir," said Alice, "Because I'm not myself, you see." - Lewis Carroll
4. "I want to believe in it all again — in art, fate, and love. And I want to believe that I’ve made the right choice and that I’m on the right path and there’s still time to fix the mistakes I’ve made. And I guess I want hope." - One Tree Hill
5. "You deserve good things, and I want to be one of them." - Impulse, Ellen Hopkins
6. "And even though the world goes on for eons and eons, you are only here for a fraction of a fraction of a second. Most of your time is spent being dead or not yet born. But while alive, you wait in vain, wasting years for a phone call or a letter or a look from someone or something to make it all right. And it never comes or it seems to but doesn't really." - Synecdoche, New York
7. “These are not books, lumps of lifeless paper, but minds alive on the shelves. From each of them goes out its own voice… and just as the touch of a button on our set will fill the room with music, so by taking down one of these volumes and opening it, one can call into range the voice of a man far distant in time and space, and hear him speaking to us, mind to mind, heart to heart.” - Gilbert Highet
8. "I think you could fall in love with anyone if you saw the parts of them that no one else gets to see. Like, if you followed them around invisibly for a day and you saw them crying in their bed at night or singing to themselves as they make a sandwich or just walking along the street. Even if they were really weird and had no friends at school. I think after seeing them at their most vulnerable you wouldn’t be able to help falling in love with them." - Tumblr
9. “And all the books you’ve read have been read by other people. And all the songs you’ve loved have been heard by other people. And that girl that’s pretty to you is pretty to other people. And you know that if you looked at these facts when you were happy, you would feel great because you are describing unity.” - The Perks of Being a Wallflower
10. “These were the lovely bones that had grown around my absence: the connections - sometimes tenuous, sometimes made at great cost, but often magnificent - that happened after I was gone. And I began to see things in a way that let me hold the world without me in it. The events that my death wrought were merely the bones of a body that would become whole at some unpredictable time in the future. The price of what I came to see as this miraculous body had been my life.” - Alice Sebold


10 Things to say.
1. B - Please don't say things like that. It makes me worry and I already worry too much.
2. P -  I hope you're getting better. In some crazy, fucked up way I think she's good for you. I hope it stays that way.
3. S - I know now. And I think I'm beginning to understand why you did it. You can talk to me. I'm your best friend and I want to be able to talk to you about anything and everything. But I can't yet.
4. K - I respect your decision a lot more than theirs. Thankyou for giving me hope.
5. R - I'm sorry I don't know what I'm doing a lot of the time. I'm learning though. But please don't say things like that without having a reason to.
6. J - It's your fault, don't you see? You fuck things up and then don't change. I don't think you'll ever learn from your mistakes. Eventually you'll only have yourself to blame.
7. G - I really do hope you're okay. I worry about you too. You have talent in what you do.
8. D - What will you have left after this? It's too soon to say these things. It's meant to be something special.
9. K - Sometimes I don't know what to say to you. I don't want to encourage you, but they're your decisions to make.
10. Me - You can't avoid it forever. You need to change, she's right about this. Don't stay stagnant because it's easier.

10 Songs I like
1. Everything - A Cursive Memory
2. Gotta Be Somebody's Blues - Jimmy Eat World
3. Lillian Lies - Youth Group
4. Skinny Love - Bon Iver
5. Landslide - Epicure
6. To Be Quite Honest - Cruiserweight
7. Act One, Scene One - The Fall of Troy
8. Anger Is The Brand New Thing - Kisschasy
9. We've Got a Big Mess On Our Hands - The Academy Is...
10. Cut Me, Mick - Yellowcard

10 pictures that I took.

 One of my favourite snacks :)

 Backyard reflections.

 Raindrops on Agapanthas.

 A Sleeping ladybeetle.

 A pretty spider.

 A willow at sunset.

 One of our new baby chickens when it was just over a month old :)

 A flock of birds near sunset.

 A pelican at sunrise.

A wave at one of my favourite places in the world.

10 words I like.

1. Transience

2. Effervescence

3. Ephemeral

4. Ethereal

5. Myriad

6. Murmur

7. Intertwined

8. Silhouette

9. Phosphorescence

10. Aqueous

10 books I love.

1. Paper Towns – john green

2. Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close – johnathon safran foer
3. The Perks of being a Wallflower – Stephen chbosky
4. The history of love – Nicole krauss
5. The Messenger - Markus Zusak
6. The noah confessions – Barbara hall
7. The truth about forever – sarah desson
8. The lovely bones – alice sebold
9. The Book Theif - Markus Zusak
10. Before I Die – Jenny Downham


10 Lyrics.
1. Space and time distort the mind.
2. Hear me now, you will never be alone.
3. See all these people, they tell you who you are and who you should be, they've gone too far.
4. I'll leave pieces of paper, pieces of myself along the way.
5. Cuts on paper hearts they can be awful deep.
6. Sing the song they sing, the words you don't mean. When's the last time you looked inside?
7. I stopped trying to write the things I don't like and I started going back to where I'd been before.
8. And for one crowded hour, you were the only one in the room.
9. Is it real, does it give to much away? Is pouring out my heart till you come back a reason to stay, do you know?
10. We made plans to kiss the sun at night.


Sorry this was such a long post. I wanted to make it 100 things for 100 posts, and I'm quite happy that I managed to bring together 100 things. It took a surprising amount of effort and actually took me a week to make in all. Maybe now that you've read this you'll know a little more about me, and maybe you'll understand.

Surface.

I could feel the waves of emotion lapping at my feet again, trying to drag me away but I could not (would not) let them. But they kept on trying, using the smallest memory of how I had once been to try and pull me under, into their cold embrace.

Two letters from forever ago: ‘love forever, Mum xx’, and ‘You will not listen to your conscience anymore. Understood?’

Two books: How To Feel and How To Be Happy.

The guilt:

“Do you remember when we went on a bike ride, back in year six or something, and I was crying?”
“Yeah, you were like “I hate life” and I was like geez, you’re only in year six.”

Lying underneath the waves looking up at the sky, the water seemed to have an almost tangible skin to it, a silver layer that made me feel apart from the rest of the world. It was like I was part of a whole other world beneath the water.

To break the surface was a difficult thing, but it was necessary as we all need to breathe sometimes.

This is my entry to this lovely blog created by the lovely Sanchez.

And my bones will only weigh me down

In this world that we call home.

Picture here

Heart's A Mess.

This photo is one of mine.

I'm thinking too much about the future and the past
When really all that matters is the here and the now
I've got to see that somehow

If I were a kind of weather

I'd be the start of a rainstorm as you lie in bed
and
the kind of rainstorm that makes you run around until you become soaked and happy
and
the sort of rainstorm that makes you curl up for comfort in a warm blanket with a book or movie
and
the type of rainstorm that leaves the smell I like after it evaporates.

I was reminded of something - an elusive rhythm, a fragment of lost words...But they made no sound, and what I had almost remembered was incommunicable forever.
- F. Scott Fitzgerald.

Something between regret and relief.

I'm sorry.
For what?
For being shy.
You don't have to be sorry, that's why I like you.

"I feel too much. That's what's going on.' 'Do you think one can feel too much? Or just feel in the wrong ways?' 'My insides don't match up with my outsides.' 'Do anyone's insides and outsides match up?' 'I don't know. I'm only me.' 'Maybe that's what a person's personality is: the difference between the inside and outside.' 'But it's worse for me.' 'I wonder if everyone thinks it's worse for him.' 'Probably. But it really is worse for me."

 — Jonathan Safran Foer (Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close)


It was one of the best books I've ever read.

You are

beaches

and

bluebottles

and

night time

and

driving

and

rollercoaster roads

and

midnight

and

black water

and

bright lights

and

big rocks

and

ice cream

and

walking

and

secret

and

shooting stars

and

dingoes

and

good morning

and

company

and

comfort

and

the opposite of lonely

and

opera

and

movies

and

one in the morning

and

breakwalls

and

jeans

and

football

and

knees

and

hands

and

orange

You make me feel orange.

On a color wheel the opposite of orange is blue.
Lonely people are blue, therefore the opposite of lonely is orange.

I wanted to know a word for the opposite of lonely and I found this.
 

You told me I had small feet.
They're almost half the size of mine, You said.
My hands are small too, I said.
You laughed.

We.

I am you. You are me.

I watch you on the screen.

Half my age and half again

I see myself, I see you.

Running and falling

And crying and singing.

I see proof of the days when living was easy.

Bunched up curls and bring blue eyes.

You stare at the camera,

But you're really staring at me.

I laugh, I cry,

You laugh, You cry.

At least a decade separates us

But we are the same thing,

Being,

Person.

I can see you but you can't see me.

Now I can only look back and try to remember.

As you look forward, and don't mean to, but forget.

                                                         here



Watched some baby videos last night. It made me nostalgic.

11.11

- I feel like Pete Murray in his song 'I've seen better days.'
Cause he says 'I felt like running so far away, but knew I had to stay'.
I feel like running away from my own problems.


Written by me, on the second of September 2006, age 12.

Only the shadows for company.

She lay awake

the only alive soul for miles

or so it seemed

with music playing in her ears

and only the shadows for company.

Thoughts rolling around in her mind

like butterflies

fluttering around the cold grey space

until her mind was silent

and she began to dream once more.