We.

I am you. You are me.

I watch you on the screen.

Half my age and half again

I see myself, I see you.

Running and falling

And crying and singing.

I see proof of the days when living was easy.

Bunched up curls and bring blue eyes.

You stare at the camera,

But you're really staring at me.

I laugh, I cry,

You laugh, You cry.

At least a decade separates us

But we are the same thing,

Being,

Person.

I can see you but you can't see me.

Now I can only look back and try to remember.

As you look forward, and don't mean to, but forget.

                                                         here



Watched some baby videos last night. It made me nostalgic.

Drifting.

I am changing, re orientating myself around them and refocusing the lenses of my eyes to how I see other people, and I’m becoming a drifter, floating from place to place trying to figure out where I can put down my anchors so that I don't continue to drift away until I am nothing but a spot in the sky.

Picture here.

Mean old Clock.

I've been charting time

On its crooked line

And on my crooked line

The mean old clock bears the weight of the world.

The mean old clock bears the weight of the world.

Bears the weight of the world

When we were young

Singing grown up songs

Now I have grown up dreams

Of when the summers were young

Oh the mean old clock bears the weight of the world.

The mean old clock bears the weight of the world.

Bears the weight of the world.

The mean old clock bears the weight of the world

The mean old clock bears the weight of the world

The mean old clock bears the weight of the world.

Bears the weight, it bears the weight of the world.

Mean Old Clock - Leena

(A really lovely song, have a listen if you get the chance.)

Yep, I'm back - couldn't stay away :)

Exams are slowly dwindling off, (only two left to go now) and I've been craving to write on here.
I have a few days break between exams, so that means that I have a tiny bit of freedom to do some of the things I want -  like post some things I've written over the past few weeks.

It was easy.

And it was easy for us

We could be ourselves,

However we wanted

And we wrote on our bones

Scratched ink into skin,

To remind us

Of things we wanted to forget.

But then it wasn't easy anymore

When we realised

That everything wasn't

As beautiful

As we first thought is was.

Things could hurt us,

More than a small fight

With a friend could

Or losing something important.

And that hurt in itself,

That we had no control

Over the things that hurt us

That other people could hurt us,

But sometimes not as much

As we could hurt ourselves.

A break.

This will be my last post for a while.
I've decided to have a break from blogging for a while, maybe a few weeks, maybe less.
I'm not quite sure.
I have exams coming up in a week, and this seems like the right thing to do.

But I will catch up on all your blogs when I decide to come back.
And I won't stop writing - nothing can stop me from writing :)

It's kind of sad, it's become almost a habit to go on here, reading your words.
It will be sad to see them go.

But I will be back, no doubt about that :)
So I hope you guys are well, and I'll see you in a few weeks!

P.s. Melee - Sorry that I haven't done it yet, but I will do your tag when I come back, it's something for me to look forward to :)

My heart seems to be feeling crushed a lot lately.
But still I keep going back to him.
Again and again.
People keep telling me I should give up.
But what if I like being reckless with this decision?
Maybe this time it will be different.
Maybe at the moment I don't care.
Maybe it will actually work out.
Third time lucky?

I hope so.

What's wrong?

'I don't know' was always on her lips these says.
Always thinking 'Stop messing with my fucking head.'

I like it when our arms brush.
Your touch gives me violent butterflies.

Please make an effort this time.

Please.

You've got a fast car, but is fast enough so you can fly away?

You got a fast car

I want a ticket to anywhere

Maybe we make a deal

Maybe together we can get somewhere

Anyplace is better

Starting from zero got nothing to lose

Maybe we'll make something
But me myself I got nothing to prove

You got a fast car
And I got a plan to get us out of here
I been working at the convenience store
Managed to save just a little bit of money
We won't have to drive too far
Just 'cross the border and into the city
You and I can both get jobs
And finally see what it means to be living

You see my old man's got a problem
He live with the bottle that's the way it is
He says his body's too old for working
I say his body's too young to look like his
My mama went off and left him
She wanted more from life than he could give
I said somebody's got to take care of him
So I quit school and that's what I did

You got a fast car
But is it fast enough so we can fly away
We gotta make a decision
We leave tonight or live and die this way

I remember we were driving driving in your car
The speed so fast I felt like I was drunk
City lights lay out before us
And your arm felt nice wrapped 'round my shoulder
And I had a feeling that I belonged
And I had a feeling I could be someone, be someone, be someone

You got a fast car
And we go cruising to entertain ourselves
You still ain't got a job
And I work in a market as a checkout girl
I know things will get better
You'll find work and I'll get promoted
We'll move out of the shelter
Buy a big house and live in the suburbs
You got a fast car
And I got a job that pays all our bills
You stay out drinking late at the bar
See more of your friends than you do of your kids
I'd always hoped for better
Thought maybe together you and me would find it
I got no plans I ain't going nowhere
So take your fast car and keep on driving

You got a fast car
But is it fast enough so you can fly away
You gotta make a decision
You leave tonight or live and die this way

"Thomas Edison's last words were 'It's very beautiful over there'. I don't know where there is, but I believe it's somewhere, and I hope it's beautiful."

          — John Green (Looking for Alaska)

The boy.

The boy was tall and lanky, with a mess of brown hair that he hated brushing. He stood, leaning against the door frame of his room, with his music blaring, drowning out the rest of the world. Green eyes squeezed shut, he nods his head along with the beat. A battered skateboard sits propped against his bed, the underside graffitied with permanent marker.
A voice calls out to him, demanding attention, and ripping him from his reverie. His face emotionless just a moment before contorts suddenly with anger as he slams his door with force, and falls onto his bed with a sigh. He still hadn't recovered from the fight with his mother the night before. They had been arguing, again, and it had started off just like any other fight.
That was until she hit him.
She'd never hit him before.
He rubbed his cheek, wincing at the stab of pain that shot through his face. Pushing off the bed, he walked slowly over to the mirror and glanced at his reflection.
It was his face, that, he recognised, but his cheek was an unfamiliar shade of purple. He cringed at the memory of the previous night, and was taken aback by how vulnerable his face became in that moment.
He looked at his reflection, his eyes staring back at him, as he searched for answers but found nothing.

Valentines day cards make my heart hurt.

Today I went Valentines day card shopping with two of my friends, both of whom have boyfriends.

I joked with the shop lady about how I was the lonely one, following them as they chose.

We both laughed.

I tried not to let it bother me.

But Valentines day does get to me.

Really, all it does is remind people of how lonely they are.

When a song just really fits.

I'm scratching at the surface now
And I'm trying hard to work it out
So much has gone misunderstood
This mystery only leads to doubt
And I didn't understand
When you reached out to take my hand
And if you have something to say
You'd better say it now

- "Say it to me now," - Glen Hansard

Gloomy feelings and not knowing where you stand 

are cause for a night full of sighs.

10 people, 10 things.

D.
Angry angry angry
Everything you do or say makes me angry
Please don't talk to me
I do resent you.

M.
Stop stop stop
Please will you just stop
Please don't nag me any more
I can't stand it
You're making me resent you.

Me.
Lonely lonely lonely
I always feel lonely
Now out of place with my own friends
People say they don't change
That they won't
And they lie
They always do.

S.
Intruder intruder intruder
You make me feel like an intruder
How come I feel alone around my own friends?
This is all your fault.

J.
Bitter bitter bitter
I am becoming bitter
Soon I will be sour as a lemon
Repelling people from my presence
As you are both repelling me from yours.

J.
Confused confused confused
You make me so confused
More than ever before
I don't want it to be this way
Please make things clearer
And show me that you care.

J.
Changed changed changed
I didn't like you when you changed
When you stopped being there
When you started hanging around with them
When you began to treat me differently
Sometimes I miss you now, sometimes I don't
Where were you when I needed you?
I don't know if I need you now.

K.
Different different different
You are the same but different
I don't know how I feel about you as a friend
I don't know whether I can trust you
Like you trust me.

P.
Understand understand understand
I don't understand
You are messed up
Taking more pills than I can count
I notice when your eyes change
You say no one else does
Its really because I look into things more than other people
Maybe because when I look, I really see.

J.
Gone gone gone
Where have you gone?
What changed?
Something is different
But I don't know what it is
I just want things to be the same they were.

Footsteps down halls on hardwood floors, echoing in my mind. There's no clear path anymore. Everything's a mess, a jumble of this and that. I fall, tumbling into my own existence, through words and time until I can't feel anymore.

School.

Before you know it's monday again
The days are long the nights never end
What happened to your hopes and dreams?
You sold them for a new pair of jeans

- Wake.Sleep.Turn.Repeat. - Kisschasy

School starts tomorrow.
Welcome to the beginning of the end.

Sorry, do you speak English?

Sometimes I feel as if life is a foreign language that everyone but me can speak fluently.
So i'm left, clutching at the old ways with trembling hands, catching glimpses of insight, and phrases that I understand.

But all the while, I am quietly drowning in confusion.

Writing lists so she didn't forget

a to-do for today, tomorrow and yet

she forgot to remember

what she remembered to forget

here.

He said he cares.

"I guess this makes it all sound like I don't care about you, but I do."

I'm not sure where this thing that we have is going, but I don't think I need to be sure in order to enjoy myself.

I don't want to care anymore.

But what do I do if I can't stop feeling?

Can't stop worrying?

The littlest things get to me.

I worry too much.

And I just can't stop worrying, no matter how much I try.

Sometimes I wish I could stop feeling.

I wish I didn't care

I wish I could stop thinking

I don't want to lose myself.

I spend too much time considering others.

Some people would consider that a strength.

I would consider it a flaw.

I wish I could act without considering others.

I really do.

pictures.

A trip to the beach.

Dead

lifeless bodies

littered the sand.

Wings outstretched

eyes

forever open

but they do not see anything

any more.

Rust

countless old bottles

aching

to be filled

with messages

then set afloat

into that big

blue world.

Driftwood

bent and twisted

polished smooth

by the pounding waves

and the

turning

of the sands.

Fish

mouths gaping

dried straight and stiff

eye sockets empty

two black holes

waiting for the

water

to claim them.

once more.

(All photographs taken by me)

I'm not sure what this is
or if it means anything.

These things I'll never say.

Night Terror

Shaking and trembling

she lies

a feeling of unease

as she falls asleep

the dream begins

and

unexplainable terrors

fill her night

falling

sobbing

she drags herself

asleep

into a corner

and cries

parents rush in

she won't be woken

screaming and crying

she wakes

but the feeling remains

she'll never forget

When I was younger, I used to have night terrors.

I would scream out, and cry and my parents would hold me as I thrashed around.

Sobbing, I would cry out for my Mum, as if I didn't know that she was right beside me.

My Mum told me that it broke my Dad's heart to have to watch and hear me crying out.

Once I had a night terror while I was staying at my Nan's.

She didn't know what to do, so she watched as I crawled out of bed, still asleep, and into a corner while I cried.
She didn't do anything.

I still remember that feeling, and it scares me when I feel it.

I don't have night terrors anymore.

 

Dear Me, 5 years ago.

Please don't worry. Its going to become a habit, and you won't be able to stop it. Just relax.

Boys are going to trouble you for the rest of your life, so don't worry about them either. While you're young, you shouldn't have to worry about them, you'll find him someday, even if its not in the way you expect.

Just be yourself, don't worry about how you look, or if other people judge you, if they do, then they're not worth thinking about.

Friends come and go. While you may think that you'll be friends with them always, that's not always the case. They leave, as many people do, but in their place better people will come.

I wish I could tell you this, and make things easier for you. If only you knew what I knew now, then maybe you wouldn't have worried about the little things so much.

With love,
Me.

Me.

I am shy, I try too hard, I like to be different, I can't live without music, I have a fascination with clouds, I wish at 11.11 and 12.34, My wishes never really come true, I read, I try to find the words that I know are there, I just haven't found them yet, My writing is best at night, I like it when I know all the words to a song, I like it when we have a deep conversation, I fear other's judgement, I am unsure a lot of the time, and you make me more unsure than ever before,

Words.

My head was filled with so many words. So many useless, pointless words.

When I finally opened my mouth, I expected them to all come racing out, one after the other, in a long string, like the carriages of a train.

But nothing came out.

Maybe if I tell myself that I won't everyday, then it will sink in.

And then I won't want to leave.

Link.

I always wanted to be 17.

Well, not always, it was just something that, in the last two years, I looked toward becoming.

17 seemed so sophisticated. Old, but not old enough for all the responsibilities that come with turning 18, responsible, but young enough for it to be okay to still depend on my parents.

It seemed like the age of freedom, not from school, but from...I actually don't know what from. It's different than I thought. More difficult. It seems to be all about school, and drama with friends. Hot days, and fighting at home. Homework and assessments, Work, and days off. Looking forward to the holidays because I don't have to put up with school for six whole weeks. Late nights and sleep-ins. Staying up until everyone else has already gone to bed and the house is silent, and trying not to make any noise while I brush my teeth, or get a snack at 2 in the morning. Waking up feeling more tired than before I slept, but when night-time comes, I'll do it all again. Having the time to read long books that I don't have to analyse, or find any deeper meaning in, unless I wish to.

But for now, I wait.

I'd have to agree with you there.
But it will be ok :)

It's ok.

Your words
hesitant and unsure
tell me
about what you discovered.
You uncovered a secret
of mine
that I didn't share
with others.
But I don't mind
know that
it gives comfort
to know that
you knew
and still didn't judge me
for my words.

A Letter.

Dear Lilah,
or rather,
Dear Grace.

I wasn't I'm still not sure how to write this.

This will all sound mismatched and out of order, because I don't know how to.

I didn't realise at first, I didn't realise at all until your post today.
But I realised even before I read your name at the bottom.

It made me feel better too, even though I didn't know you, having a friend who wouldn't judge me for what I wrote.

When I said that I didn't want you to read my blog, it was because its a personal thing of mine – you would understand, having a blog of your own. But its personal because the people that have read it on here won't read into it, and won't judge, like some of the people from school or in the group would. Because there are things on here that I wouldn't share in a conversation at school. It would be hard for one of my friends, our friends to suddenly read this blog, starting at the end and making their way to the start. They wouldn't understand it, would jump to conclusions, and ask questions. That is why I wouldn't like them to read this blog. But you and anyone else that has been reading this blog from blogger wouldn't have started from the finish, you've been with me during the time that I wrote these posts. You haven't judged, and haven't questioned me about my writing. So you see, it's different.

You said that you didn't and won't judge me for what I have written, and that you wouldn't breathe a word about it. I didn't, and I won't judge you for what you have written either, and I will not breathe a word of what you have written. It's personal, and how could I judge you for sharing something so personal?

Its happened before, a few of my friends, you would know them too, have stumbled upon my blog. But they didn't judge, and didn't comment on what I wrote, so it didn't bother me all that much for them to have read it.

Because you have allowed me to read what you have written, we are in the same boat.
So I don't mind that you have read my blog.
I just hope that you might feel the same about me reading yours.

I know things will be different, and we can pretend that we don't know each other and write like normal, not caring. Or we can unfollow each others blog, and not read any more.
But I don't want to do that. Your blog is one of my favourites, and I really enjoy reading your writing.

But I'm willing to keep writing, and writing as normal, because I trust that you won't judge me, or talk about my writing with anyone. And I will do the same if you choose to continue as well. You have my word that I won't spill your words, that I won't judge your writing. (Although if you choose to not continue writing, or sharing your words, I will miss them greatly. I've really enjoyed reading them, and I think you're a really talented writer :) )

Whatever you wish to be known as, whether it be Lilah or Grace, it doesn't change that.

Don't be sorry about the whole Tumblr thing. I stopped writing personal things on my tumblr because a lot of our friends started to follow it, and there were too many questions being asked. I don't believe you will judge me now, after all this, so it is ok :)

I was finally able to use my real name, because I felt as if I didn't need to hide anymore. I'm not sure what made me choose to do that, but I'm ok with it now.
You didn't screw this up for me, if anything, I'm glad you did find this.

I went back and read through your posts, and I think if I hadn't stopped writing for those few months last year, that I might have also realised that it was you.

Don't be sorry about finding this.
 
Thankyou for sticking with me throughout this.
And for telling me the truth.
:)

Meg.

If you asked me what I really wanted.

I want to run down the street screaming, I want to dye my hair rainbow colours and I want to be okay about it, I want to make daisy chains in the grass, I want to take beautiful photos, I want to write something that really matters, I want to be told that i'm beautiful and to believe it, I want my parents to be proud of me, I want my sister to look up to me, I want to care less about what other people think, I want to be less judgemental, I want to be different, I want people to want me to be their friend, I want to be an interesting person, I want want to feel less insecure, I want to be appreciated, I want to be accepted, I want to be on time, I want to be a good person, I want to be easygoing, I want to give good advice, I want to make people happy, I want to make people laugh.


I want to be myself.

Describe yourself in all honesty.

I'm self conscious, awkward, happy, sad, jealous, confused, dreaming, lost, disappointed, quiet, hopeless, guilty, innocent, overlooked, clumsy, funny, worried, lonely, tired, loving, listening, caring, serene, mellow,  uptight, possessive, forgiving, crushed, alone, pensive, cute, misled, crazy, angry, torn, clueless.

I'm not feeling all of these at once.

Hermione: Don't you understand how she must be feeling? Well, obviously she's feeling sad about Cedric, and therefore confused about liking Harry, and guilty about kissing him. Conflicted because Umbridge is threatening to sack her mum from her job at the Ministry, and frightened about failing her O.W.L.s because she's so busy worrying about everything else.

Ron: One person couldn't feel all that, they'd explode!

Hermione: Just because you've got the emotional range of a teaspoon.

These are probably just what I have felt over the last week or so.
But things are changing, getting better.
But i have to put it all on hold for two weeks, until he comes back.

He asked me to please be here when he comes back.
I said I would wait for him.

For my dog, Molly.

She sits
in the corner
head angled
towards the ground
as she tries to sleep.

A noise.
She peers up at the world,
a world that
she can barely hear.

Old.
She looks
sometimes
as if her days
are numbered.

But I can't.
I won't.
Let her go.
Not just yet.
Not ready yet.

Recognition.
Is bliss,
it doesn't happen
often,
but when it does
it sends a flicker
of hope
through my soul.

Please don't leave.
Please don't.
Please.

Now that you're back, I can finally listen to the same songs we used to.

It doesn't hurt any more.
I'm still confused and I'm still hoping, but for now I can almost be content.

Almost.

I don't know what I want, and I don't know what you want.
I'm not even sure if we know or want the same things.

I do know that I don't want a repeat of last time.
Because I don't think I can come back to you again.

Man I miss Blogger

It's been so long since I was on here, and I'm hoping that I will have time to come back often.
I miss reading all \the beautiful writing here, and I miss getting the occasional comment from someone looking at this blog.
I miss being able to write what I want, and what I feel and not having to worry about what my friends think.
I don't seem to have that luxury on Tumblr.

Blogger has changed, but I like it. The people on here aren't superficial like on other sites.

And yes, I've really missed it. :)

My Weaknesses.

I am an awkward person,
I hate confrontation,
I won't ask for much,
I hate being forced to be someone or something I'm not,
I overthink things too much,
I can't look you in the eye,
I stress too much,
I hate being shut down,
I care too much about what other people think,
I am not sure about a lot of things,
If you doubt me I will doubt myself,
I am confused about how I feel and probably always will be,
I judge myself too much,
I am told that I am too nice,
I care too much about people that don't care about me,
I am a shy person although I try not to be,
I need reassuring a lot,
I take everything to heart,
I have a slightly overactive guilt complex,
I fear a lot of things,
I live in the land of 'what if,'

Come back..Please.

I remember when he took his first steps.
He walked away from me.
And he's been walking away ever since.

Quote from Trials and Tribulations.

There was somewhere else I had to be.

I wish to create words with time, letters in spider webs like flies caught in my minds silky strands. My mind begins to disintegrate, words dancing on my eyelids as I close them, until all I can hear is the music in my ears, each beat resonating around my chaotic mind. Notebooks aching to be filled and cluttered, my thoughts thinking, waiting to be unloaded onto pages, but I am too tired, my fingers can not grip the pen, my only weapon.

I seem to fear commitment, my feelings dancing radically from one idea to another while my heart struggles to catch them, I long for clarity, the satisfaction of knowing that I know, you bring with you more confusion and I just add that to the list.
My body loses feeling, a nightmare becoming reality for a moment before being jolted back, eyes closing then opening frantically, mind overcome by something, a feeling that does not have a name, a general sensation like falling.

The darkness infiltrates my mind, back aching, I pass the need for sleep, my fingers tapping at the keys, like a pianist and I think of tomorrow. Anxiousness overcomes me, my stomach jumping, someone opens a cage of butterflies there. I agonise over that moment, never letting go or moving on, repeating in time, over, and over, and over again.

11.11

- I feel like Pete Murray in his song 'I've seen better days.'
Cause he says 'I felt like running so far away, but knew I had to stay'.
I feel like running away from my own problems.


Written by me, on the second of September 2006, age 12.

Would you know, if I asked you?

Your words creep into my mind like a predator's prey.
And with my minds eye I stalk them,
Waiting for the right moment.
But when is the right moment?
And how can we ever know?
And so I retreat, claws retracting and skulk to the far corners of my mind.
It is quiet here.


Picture found: here

But I wish I could say this.

I've seen some posts including pictures expressing what the person wishes they could say to different people. I'm sorry that I can't remember who started this so that I can credit them, and also sorry that I can't show you some of the other lovely posts by people doing the same thing. Sorry.

There are things I wish I could say to different people.

Please stop. It hurts me when you treat me like this, and you know that.

I don't know right now, do you?

I'm happy for you :) And a little bit jealous at the same time.

You. Take these. Now. Or maybe stop taking them..

I can't think right now.

Romantic

This is one of the first stories that I've written that I actually like.
I had to write using Romanticism for English, Romantically, meaning a connection to nature.
Check it out, if you feel like it.

Blooming Most Recklessly.

I've lost them. And they're not coming back.

Tonight I feel the cold
I cannot think straight
My thoughts tumble around in my head
Like clothes in a dryer
I am lost in my own mind